Deja Vu: not looking good

It was right about a year ago that I posted something very similar. (I think it's time to make a decision.) The difference this time is that I feel a lot more comfortable with the decision. It's not quite as heart-wrenching now, as it was then. I don't have as many options to try now, as I did then. I am sort of at the end of "things to try" as well as the means to do it. 


If I had unlimited financial resources, I could probably get her sound for a reasonable amount of time, to at least be a reasonably sound pasture ornament. Unfortunately, I don't have unlimited financial resources. And, as such, I have tried everything within my means that I can think of, to maintain quality of life, even if she wasn't at 100%. Truth be told, anyone who has followed along with this blog for the last nearly 3 years, knows that it's been an uphill battle to keep her sound, with a lot of failures at doing that along the way. It's been nearly 3 years of being sound off and on...mostly off. 


My point being...I don't have the financial means to increase her quality of life. And, if I continue to try, not only will I be broke, but she'll most likely still be broken...and it seems like I will fail, at an increasingly fast rate. I wish, so much, that this was not the case. However, just as I said last year, when it gets to the point that you're considering euthanasia, it is truly no longer about you, but about the animal. It is my responsibility to do right by my partner, and at this time, I can only see one more way to do that.


A few weeks ago, before I went on vacation, my boyfriend and I drove up to the barn to spend some time with Miss Promise. I was *shocked* at how much weight she had dropped. I called my barn owner FUMING, although I managed to control my temper, somehow. They'd had no round bales on the property in weeks. My horse needs to eat all day, every day, to maintain her weight, especially at her age. My first thought, truly, was, if someone were to call the SPCA right now, they'd take her. I couldn't believe it. I told my boyfriend (who is a horse trainer) if he'd had access to a trailer and truck, I'd be moving her right then and there. I didn't know where to, but I'd find a place, even if it was my own backyard. Unfortunately, that wasn't an option. I made arrangements with the barn owner to switch her feed from their custom mix to a senior pellet, and to increase it as long as there was no hay on the property (seriously, NO HAY? Find another grower.). My trust in her was instantly broken, and I began making plans to move her as soon as was physically possible, although I needed her to put on weight before I could even think about it, as most places would have turned me away as a liability. Yes, it was THAT bad. It still makes my blood boil.


I checked on her again the night before we left on vacation and saw a slight improvement from earlier that week. I left feeling uneasy, but the barn owner assured me that round bales were being delivered that week, while I was away. Vacation was amazing. We went to Gatlingburg, Tennessee, and I truly enjoyed being in the mountains again, and having a week to relax and sightsee. On the way home the following Saturday, mom and I stopped by the barn again, and once again, I saw a slight improvement from the week before. I felt a little relieved, although she still had a LONG way to go. There were two round bales in each paddock, though. 


Last week, we had Tropical Storm Debby sit over us for 3 days. I was stranded at my boyfriend's house Sunday night, and was barely able to make it home Monday evening because my neighborhood was so flooded. So, after being on vacation for an entire week, I then was unable to get to work for 2 days due to weather. That didn't go over well. The barn was pretty flooded, and they moved the new round bales into the stalls. (Good move, thank god.) 


I got an email from the barn owner Friday evening, saying that she was showing signs of lameness in her left front. She thought it was in her hoof. I went up Monday after work, hoping a couple days of stall rest and 24 hour a day access to hay had provided a marked improvement. 


Up until this point, I was still planning to move her. I was going to leave her through as much of July as needed to get her condition up more, and then probably move her to the polo club, where my boyfriend is living. He was going to help me arrange the rental of a paddock, and she could have stayed there, under his care, until November, when polo season started up again.


Anyway, I checked out her left leg and hoof, hoping it wasn't laminitis (the hay was really rich), or an abscess...hoping it was a stone bruise, at worst. I didn't see anything in the leg or hoof. When I went for her halter, she walked away from me...not normal. She let me halter her and slowly followed me out of the stall to the wash rack...where I hosed her for 10 or 15 minutes, hoping it would cool her down and she'd perk up some. I watched her as she walked, and immediately thought the lameness was coming from her shoulder. To me, that is a compensation issue, stemming from the right hind. Not good. Hosing her off didn't perk her up, either. She wasn't unhappy, but she was very clearly not comfortable and rather dull. 


I spent a while hanging out with her and observing her. Nothing I saw in her condition or behavior made me happy. 

• She's having trouble kicking at flies, because being inside and not moving around has made her hind legs all stocky. 

• The right hock had quite a bit of heat in it. 

• She had trouble stretching out to pee. 

• She was only picking at the hay, didn't really seem overly interested in it. 

• And, she hasn't put on nearly as much weight as I would have hoped, having so much free access to the hay, plus getting 4 scoops of senior feed each day (the hay is in the stall next to her, and she can eat all day, as long as she's in).

The barn owner emailed me the other night to say the vet would be out next week for coggins, if I wanted to have her checked out. I replied and told her where my mindset is currently. She said she was relieved to know I was considering it, even though it's hard. She agrees that the quality of life has decreased drastically lately.


So. I haven't made a *final, final, final* decision, but I am about 85% sure that it is time, because I don't see much hope for improving that quality of life at this point. The remaining 15% is purely emotional. I doubt very much I will see a miracle when I get there this evening. And, I can't keep asking her, or myself, to go through this. Emotionally, financially...I am really not sure I want to keep going through this. :( It's been a long, tiring and very emotional battle.