2019 Year in Review

In January, I posted my first ever quarterly health and fitness goals on 1/2 and kicked off the decision to make 2019 a year of health improvement. The following day, I posted about weight discrimination in the horse world. This angst stemmed from a rude email I had received from the barn I had been riding with for 2 years, but set me on the journey to find a new lesson barn. I met with T and toured her barn on 1/12. At the end of that post, I stated that my gut reaction was that I would be pursuing a relationship with T and her horses. Also in January, we closed on a house and adopted a 9 month old Australian cattle dog/hound mix puppy who initially seemed to fit right in with our family.

February rolled around and I was both excited and nervous for my evaluation ride with T. This led to more lessons with her and a growing sense of awareness of my body and how crookedly I had been riding for so long.

In March, my circler was broken and I started the process of relearning how to rely on my body to steer vs my reins. T offered me a surcingle lesson but there was a miscommunication and it got put off several weeks. I got into a groove with my workouts and fell in love with the BeachBody LIIFT4 program. I lost 4.8lbs and 9.5 inches in 1st quarter, but that was mostly due to moving more while preparing our new house for the big move in, which happened early in the month.

In April, I was slowly starting to feel more confident in my body while in the saddle. I rode Skylar for several weeks and then she threw me for a loop and put me on Garrette again. G showed that my circler was not actually fixed, and I had to work a lot harder to ask properly for things that Skylar was a bit more lenient on. I posted a set of simpler health goals for Q2. Also in April, we decided that the puppy we had adopted was not actually a good fit for our family. Over the few months we had her, she revealed some pretty severe fear reactions that we just did not have the confidence or skill to rehab. My husband especially felt over-faced by it, and while I think I could have helped her over time (I have rehabbed many rescue dogs in my lifetime, all with different types of baggage), I knew I needed him fully on board to truly make a difference in her life. Since he wasn't 100% with me on it, we made the incredibly difficult decision to return her to the rescue group so that they could find a home better equipped to give her to emotional support she needed to be a good canine citizen. It absolutely broke my heart to make that decision and I still cry over it.

In May, I rode my first 2 lessons in the surcingle. My goal for the first one was just to stay on and remember to breathe. Without my safety net of stirrups and reins, I struggled to hold all of the moving parts together -- while simultaneously keeping my horse moving. It was HARD, but also very rewarding. I also started allergy shots in an attempt to improve my quality of life!

June started with a trip to the mountains in western NC, followed closely by a trip to TX to visit my in-laws. I missed a couple of rides with the travel, but the breaks seemed to have done my body good and I largely retained what we had been working on in the surcingle.

July made me brave enough to try riding in a saddle again for the first time in months. It was a nice check-in to see how I was progressing and gave us a new and improved idea of what we needed to work on as we moved forward. On July 1, my first ever keto weight loss challenge started. I started religiously doing my hip stretches and was still consistently working out in conjunction with my strict keto lifestyle. On the 11th, I lamented about the 7th year without Promise. Life just isn't the same without her!

In August, I gushed repeatedly about all the feels I was having in my lessons. T was regularly telling me she got goosebumps when something clicked for me. My friend L from the other barn came and watched a lesson and was blown away by T's teaching style and the changes in my riding. I also rode Tosh for the first time! My 6-week keto weight loss challenge ended right after my birthday, and I lost an astonishing 17lbs and 14 inches in that time! I signed up for a second challenge that started at the end of the month.

September had me feeling incredibly lucky to still be riding Tosh regularly. (Seriously, the horse is amazing!) My lessons were really starting to focus on shutting my brain up and relaxing my body.

In early October, my 2nd weight loss challenge ended. I was down 26.8lbs from July 1, a totally healthy rate of loss and I was absolutely blown away by how well the plans were working for me. I had a HUGE epiphany when I rode Skylar in a lesson late in the month, and discussed it with my best friend (visiting from out of town) on the way home from the barn. 

In November, I confronted my anxiety and talked to T about my epiphany. We talked through it and then started working on ways to relieve the anxiety I was feeling about making mistakes, particularly centered around my canter departures. It all seemed a bit silly on some levels, but she encouraged me to not minimize it, because it was how I was feeling and it is totally valid to feel that way. Being aware of where the anxiety was coming from really made that SO much easier. I also started to realize that my GPS was still malfunctioning, only now I was sitting more left than right. So, we began correcting this over-correction. I also jumped (very, very badly) for the first time in almost a year!

November ended and December started with a couple of rather bad lessons where I just could not get it together until the end of my rides. I eventually asked to go back to basics. I wanted a relaxed, quiet, confidence building lesson, and so we've been doing that for the last few weeks. We chatted about my PTSD of fresh horses and why she believes in lunging, particularly during the winter. I participated in my first ever blogger gift exchange and really enjoyed it! I revisited the last 10 years in photos and realized how tough the decade has been on my horse life. And finally, my 3rd weight loss challenge ended, putting me just shy of 40lbs lost in 6 months, and feeling a whole lot better in my own skin. I've had several amazing rides in the last few weeks that have really helped bolster my confidence in myself, and I am eager to ring in 2020 in this new, positive light!

Soften the butter

Last Sunday, I saw my name next to Luke for my lesson, so I went to find T to confirm and find out where his tack was. Luke was J's horse, but he transitioned into the lesson program when she purchased a weanling filly to bring along. 

Apparently Luke and Tosh were turds earlier in the morning when they were being brought in, and both refused to be caught because it was way more fun to run around like idiots. So, T had done some ride switching. 

While Luke is just as sensitive as Tosh, his quarter horse brain (vs Tosh's anglo-arab brain) made me feel like I had more time to ask for what I wanted. I could take a few more seconds to get my body right before Luke would be like, Yes, ma'am and turn wherever I was pointed. Whereas Tosh is like, oh, you want to go this way? this way? Oh, right, THIS way! All in all, it was a really great ride, building successfully on the one before.

I am not a Spongebob fan, but I feel like this is Tosh sometimes when I'm not communicating effectively

This Sunday, my name was beside Tosh again. It was about 65 degrees for my lesson (isn't it almost January?!), and I had been in a saddle for my last several lessons, so I opted to go back to the surcingle. T told me Tosh has been a turd most of the week and asked me if I wanted to lunge him for a minute before I hopped on. I said sure then brought him out and hooked him up. He just plodded around me, 1 ear and 1 eye on me. I could tell from his face he was saying, This is really unnecessary, lady. So, we did a couple of laps at the trot and a verrrrrry slow canter in each direction before I brought him over to the ramp to mount. He did his cold-backed scoot for a couple of steps but settled right down with a half halt.

T asked what I wanted to work on and I said, more of the same, building on the confidence of my last couple of rides, staying quiet and keeping my body up and straight. She sent us off on the box tracking left at a working walk and right away I was struggling with my left side. My seat bone was digging into his back and I was having to physically take my left leg off of him to get him to turn left. This issue got worse when we trotted, so we stopped and after I got some water, she had me put my left leg over the grab to stretch the hip. I repeated the same thing on the right, and then again on the left. My hip flexors started trembling but it felt looser. Tosh looked back at me licking and chewing like, good grief lady, that feels a lot better! She sent us off to the right, having us turn up center line toward C and then turn left and return via quarterline. Even just the thought of lifting my left leg helped release the seat bone and free up so he could turn around it. 

We halted by her again and chatted about the difference in the feel and then she said, when you're ready, left lead from there. Tosh trotted to B before I was able to convince him I really did mean it, but my body settled right into his stride and it was a beautiful, butter-like canter. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. 

Actual footage

We came down to a nice square halt and she told me to get a drink and reverse on a loose rein while one of the kids cantered around on a coming 3-year-old pony gelding. Once they had done a few laps and had come back down to a walk, she told me to pick up the right lead on a long rein. I took a deep breath, reached for my grabs, and kissed. Prompt and fluid depart. I exhaled and settled in, but it took me a few strides. She told me to soften the butter, and I exhaled again, taking a breath with each stride, focusing on keeping my inside shoulder up and back. My body relaxed. Tosh's gait slowed and collected a bit and became more fluid. I even threaded the needle between 3 horses at A and didn't get nervous or tense about it (this is a HUGE win for me!)! I just picked a path, took a deep breath, I stuck to my path, and Tosh went exactly where my body told him to go. T said, you should be grinning like a fool again that is a BEAUTIFUL canter! We turned down center line and halted squarely at A. She clapped and exclaimed about how beautiful it was, then asked if I wanted to try anything again. I said, no, I want to end there and remember that feeling.

Q4 Goals in Review

Overall, I had a pretty great quarter! I stated in my original post that my goal was to lose 40lbs by Christmas. As of 12/22, I was 0.3 of a pound from that goal!

Here are the final stats for my health and fitness goals for October through December:

1. Complete 7-week keto weight-loss challenge: 10/28 to 12/23. Complete. I finished the challenge 11.6lbs lighter!

• Track inches and pounds lost. Done!
• Complete weekly weigh-ins. Done!
• Check measurements biweekly. I did not check biweekly, but I did check in 2x during the challenge.
• Take monthly progress photos. I also didn't take monthly photos. But I did take some at the end of the previous challenge, and the end of this one.
• Follow meal plans and stick to macros. I struggled with macros over Thanksgiving week, but otherwise, I wasn't too bad!
• Really dial it in on macros to try to optimize results. I mostly got my after-dinner snacking under control, which was really the source of exceeding my macros!
• Maintain water intake. Yup!
• Stay on the wagon on the weekend! Double yup!
• Stay on the wagon for holiday meals! I did great staying keto. I had 1 mini cheat in the form of sharing a fried cheese app with my mom the day after Thanksgiving. But that is the only non-keto thing I ate. As I mentioned above, I struggled with over-eating a bit, due to leftovers and more calorie-dense foods. But, hell, over-eating and staying keto is still a HUGE win in my book.

2. Workout at least 4 days a week, plus 1 riding lesson. Mostly on track!

• LIIFT4 round 4 from 9/3 to 10/25. Done!
• LIIFT4 round 5 from 10/28 to 12/20. I lost a week to Thanksgiving because I got lazy. Then I lost a week trying to rest my left wrist, which I felt I had strained and didn't want to make worse -- safety first, right? My wrist is feeling better, but with the holiday and family in town, etc, I still have 3 workouts for week 6 and then have to do weeks 7 and 8.
• LIIFT4 round 6 from 12/30 to 2/21. This will be a bit late, but it's ok!
• Buy 17.5lb dumbbells. I haven't done this yet because I decided on 20lb dumbbells for more longevity, and also had put them on my Christmas list. I didn't get them for Xmas, so I will be purchasing them soon!

3. Work on hip flexibility and stretching at least 3x a week. I still do this religiously, even if it's lying in bed with the bottoms of my feet together while I read. Keeping at it is really helping my riding!

4. Meal prep as much as possible over the weekend. Yup!

• Prep breakfasts, lunches, and snacks so I can stay strong each week.
• Prep veggies and sauces for weeknight dinners to save time.

5. Practice positive reinforcement (ie, I changed the wording above from "Do not fall off the wagon" to "Stay on the wagon" to try to reframe it in my own head.) This will apply to everyday life as well as my in-saddle/surcingle work! I've been getting way better about this! I've caught myself saying "Don't..." and then I will rephrase it with a positive spin.

The 2010s Picture Challenge

I just started following a couple of new blogs after the gift exchange, one of them is May as Well Event, who posted a twist on the 10 years of photos thing that has been going around social media lately: post 1 horsey photo for each year of the last decade. I had to do some serious diving into my Facebook to find photos. It's been an emotional ride (pun intended!)! So here goes:

2010: Promise and I had a rough year in 2010. She injured her stifle and was prescribed with 8 weeks of stall rest and a large regimen of bute, which of course turned into a large regimen of ulcer meds and then subsequent ulcer maintenance / prevention from SmartPak. When SmartPak approached me about doing a review of their G.U.T. supplement, I jumped at the chance. As a result, Promise's story was featured in their supplement guide that summer.

Our feature in SmartPak

2011: Did I say 2010 was rough? Enter 2011. I had finally gotten Promise sound after months of rehab and a couple of minor re-injuries to her right stifle. She had just a little hitch in her giddy-up, so the vet suggested we try injecting her right stifle to see if it would help. Oh, boy did it help! My horse went from 80% sound to 110% sound at the trot in a matter of days. The injection only lasted about 12 weeks, but it worked so well, I opted to do it a second time and secretly hoped it would last a little longer each time. The photo below was 2 days after her 2nd injection. She had been turned out with her friends, but one of the geldings was harassing her and she was in heat. In true hussy form, she squealed and kicked out at him and somehow got her foot stuck in the gate. Her right hind, no less. She hadn't been there very long when the barn owner found her and they were able to get her loose and standing. She called the emergency vet before she called me. The result was about 15 stitches to her right eye, and a bandage from coronet to hock on the right hind to protect some (in the grand scheme of things) rather minor abrasions. It could have been much worse, since horses are not meant to lie on their backs. It doesn't appear she struggled much, but the damage to the stifle from her falling and twisting it ended up being permanent.

One of the most horrifying images I have of my horse

2012: 2012 began and immediately said, Hold my beer and watch this to the previous 2 years. Since the right stifle was so consistently wonky, I opted to let Promise be pasture sound as long as she was mostly comfortable and I mostly left her alone. I'd bring her in to groom her and love on her and stuff her full of mints. Once in a while, she was sound enough for me to hop on bareback and walk around on a loose rein for a few minutes. When I went to visit her in late June/early July, her eyes were dull. She didn't come up to greet me, in fact she didn't want to move at all. I knew our time was coming to an end.

July 11, a few hours before I said goodbye, with her friend Ruler

2013: I rode a few polo sets here and there, exercised a rather crazy OTTB, a former champion hunter saddlebred cross, and an arab mare for my boyfriend at the time (who was a horse trainer), but didn't really get much saddle time in other than that. 

2 of my memorial pieces for Promise

2014: In August of 2014, I turned 30, got engaged, and was gifted 6 riding lessons. 

Facebook memory

2015: I was riding once a week with the woman who bought the barn I had boarded Promise at for many years after moving to Florida.

Grooming AJ before my lesson

2016: In June of 2016, I got married and we spent our honeymoon in Ireland. While I had wanted to do a beach ride (something my grandmother had always dreamed of doing when she was alive), my husband's horse experience is very limited, and so the farm I booked a ride through helped me customize our 4-hour ride. They provided us with 2 guides. 1 guide took my husband off to do walk/trot and my guide took me to the canter lanes to gallop my little cob gelding, Midnight, at full speed through the hills of Galway. 

Midnight and I, when we stopped at a castle for a drink at the halfway point of the ride

Around Thanksgiving 2016, I threw out my back and was not able to ride. Then, we relocated from Florida to North Carolina, and my back was still recovering. I was not interested in rushing it or experiencing that pain again, so I took my time finding a place to ride and waited until I was cleared by my chiropractor to get in the saddle again.

2017: My first evaluation ride in North Carolina.

Facebook memory

2018: I spent a lot of time riding an 18 hand former grand prix jumper that ultimately was not sound and had no business being in a lesson program. It got to the point where I was the only one really riding him because no one else could stay on him. If I had been smart, I would have asked to ride someone else. Especially after I came off of him when he threw his head down and bucked after trotting a tiny 18 inch cross-rail. But, when he was good, he was SO good and I let my ego get in the way holding onto that feeling. All of this did a lot of damage to my confidence, but hindsight is 2020.

I don't even like chestnuts that much, but damn he was good looking, too

2019: My husband and I closed on a house in January. Once I had known for sure the sale was going through, I had approached the barn and asked to switch to a weekend lesson, since I would no longer be able to make it there from the new house in time for a Friday 6:30 pm lesson. Initially they agreed and were working to find me a slot in a group on Sunday. Then, after a couple of weeks, they came back and told me they were revamping their lesson program and since I weighed over 200lbs, would not be able to continue riding with them unless I leased a horse from them. I told them where they could go and wallowed in my hurt for a few days. But then I dusted myself off and resolved to find a way better situation, much closer to home. While I was hurt and angry, it truly ended up being a blessing in disguise, because it made me work that much harder to find my new barn home, and as a result, I found T and her amazing horses. T genuinely cares and wants my lessons to be tailored to me. Initially I was intimidated by her weekly question, "What do you want to work on today?" but I find it is easier and easier to guide the journey I am on to restore my confidence in myself.

My first time back in a saddle after months of riding in a surcingle

I realized in creating this post and going through photos, that there has been a lot of negativity in my life with horses in the last decade. A lot of loss, a lot of confusion, time away from the saddle, a lot of anxiety and confidence destruction. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and even in the midst of all of these bittersweet and painful memories, I am thankful for having had the experiences. Even the negative ones. I am definitely learning from my mistakes. And, of course, I will always wish I could have had more time with my heart horse and that I hadn't let life get in the way of spending time with her as much as I did. 

2019 Equestrian Blogger Gift Exchange

Every year, I see posts about the blogger gift exchange and I've always been interested. But I guess this is the first year I have been officially following The Printable Pony blog, so I was super excited to actually see the sign-up post in time to participate! Thank you, Tracy, for hosting 😁 

Elizabeth over at the Clover Ledge Farm blog really knocked it out of the park with the gifts she sent me. I love them all 💜💜💜 Thank you so much!!!

I opened the box to find these adorably wrapped packages.

The horse wrapping paper was ADORABLE 

When I flipped the card over to open it, I found even more cuteness! 

Cute stickers that match the brand on the pony's butt (see below!)

The woman on this amazing card is a boss to be carrying that tree by herself, especially while her horse is trying to eat from it! 

Such a cute card!

Then I opened the packages and revealed a pair of Noble Outfitters gloves in a purple geometric pattern, a pair of purple boot socks with a rainbow and narwhal pattern, and a fancy purple stainless steel water bottle with horses trotting and galloping across it. It's like Elizabeth knows me 😂

The loot!

A confidence builder

I rode at 9 am yesterday. It was a bit tough to get up and get going after hanging out at a neighborhood Christmas party the night before (no drinking, just a late night!), and getting out of the house with no coffee. 

But I actually really enjoyed the quiet of the barn that early and I got to free lunge Tosh in the arena, which he thoroughly enjoyed. He bucked and played a little bit, and then got himself all worked up about the other horses being turned out. He ignored my voice as he was zooming around but I finally managed to step in front of his shoulder and get his attention back on me. I asked him to turn toward the fence and change direction several times and asked for trot-canter transitions in the midst of those turns to get his attention fully on me. Finally, I had an ear, licking and chewing, and he came down to a walk when I asked him to, and turned toward me. I asked him if he was done playing and he dropped his head and licked and chewed, so I walked over to catch him and then hand-walked him until T was ready.

I mounted and she walked him in a circle until the tension left his back, then I got into 2 point and we did our 2 laps of warm-up. When we finished that, T asked me what I wanted to work on. I said, well, I had a stressful week at work, and I'm trying not to dwell on the challenges that I had in my last 2 lessons. So, I think I would like to just have a quiet, confidence-building lesson. She asked if there was anything in particular I wanted to work on and I said not off the top of my head.

So, she sent us off in a working walk tracking left on the box to do some figures. More circles and serpentines. She commented right away about my leg looking really great. 

Tosh was a bit looky, so our first conversation was about how he wasn't being spooky, he was reacting to my anxiety and he was watching out for me, because he sees me as his leader. T said he had 1 ear on me, but then would look at something, like the sun shining on the sand in the arena, like, is that what you're nervous about? No? Ok, how about that? She said she had no problem with him doing that, as it was making us aware of it. I took a few deep breaths to relax, which allowed him to exhale and lick and chew. Then I owned up to the realization that my anxiety in the last few weeks seems to be due to PTSD of fresh horses in cold weather and a no lunging policy in lesson programs (I talked about that in my last post). 

She said she just doesn't understand that mentality. That it's unfair to ask a fresh horse to settle down to work without an outlet for their excess energy. It's like asking a kid with a lot of energy to sit down and do a math test before having a chance to run around on the playground. She then said if I ever feel uneasy about a horse being fresh or whatever, to just tell her and she will either handle the situation (ie, we will stop and lunge the horse) or if I feel my horse is being excessively nuts, even with lunging, we can switch horses, if she has another one available, etc. I commented that seeing Tosh zoom around and buck and play before I ride doesn't give me anxiety at all, but that feeling like he is zooming around under saddle does. And that while I have felt like I can't say anything in other programs, I do feel that she fosters a safe environment where it is ok to voice concerns or anxieties and I really appreciate that.

We turned left again and picked up the trot to continue working on figures. Tosh and I were both more relaxed. The left was pretty good. To the right, I was dropping my right shoulder. She had me halt and lift my right arm over my head, thumb back. As my shoulder released, I automatically tucked my butt underneath me to sit on my seat bones, which is a new phenomenon, but the right one! My brain is clicking finally! After that, I was able to feel more when I was starting to drop it and replicate the feeling of lifting it up again without having to lift my arm. She says my sticky spot is in the corner after C. I always drop it there. So, I really started focusing on thinking about keeping it up and back in that corner and it helped a lot. 

After some walking and more discussing, she asked if I wanted to canter left or right first. I chose the right. So, she told me to gather my reins for a working walk after H and when I was ready, ask for the canter. I asked near M, and he was so prompt that I got left behind and subconsciously posted to try to catch up. He broke and came back to the walk. She said, what happened? I said, I got left behind, but I didn't get nervous about it and that is what I am usually worried about! She laughed a little and told me to ask again. The 2nd depart was WAY nicer and I remembered to breathe most of the way around the arena, including in a large circle at A. We halted perfectly square in front of her and then reversed to canter left. I asked near M again and it was an amazing, perfect depart into a beautiful rhythmic canter with another perfect circle at A. We halted square at M and she exclaimed that that was my best canter EVER!

We walked back to her and she asked if I wanted to try the right again. I thought about it and said, I think it wasn't as good as the left but it was definitely comparable and I want to leave it at that. She said ok, shall we trot a few more figures? Sure! So, we did 4 figure 8s at the trot, focusing on keeping my loops even, consciously changing my bend in the middle and keeping my eyes and shoulders up. 

All in all, it was a really great lesson and it was exactly what I needed mentally. 

Lesson recaps

Last week during some downtime, I made a new work computer desktop image for 2020 :)

The last month or so of lessons has been very up and down. In those weeks, I've ridden Tosh 3 times (2x surcingle, 1x saddle) and Skylar 1 time (always saddle). 

3 and 4ish weeks ago, I was on a roll. My confidence was firmly in place. Things were feeling SO great. I was making really quick progress mentally and physically. Until I just wasn't. All of a sudden 2 weeks ago (Sunday after Thanksgiving), it felt like everything I had been building on just disappeared on me. Like my progress was a rug ripped out from under my feet. While I know I was kind of overdue for additional struggles and backtracking and it's totally normal, it admittedly has not been great for my confidence.

I think there were some extenuating circumstances to that particular lesson, like I hadn't worked out or done my hip exercises since Tuesday and I spent all day Friday in the car, plus it was cold, so I was just majorly stiff and uncoordinated. That lesson ended WAY better than it began, though and I was actually shocked to get in some really good work.

This past Sunday, I opted to ride Tosh in his saddle. No real conscious reasons for it, I just kept coming back to the saddle when I was asking myself over the course of the week what I wanted to do. It was cold again and the arena was busy, so I free lunged him in the round pen for about 20 minutes before bringing him back to the covered arena and mounting. 

When T asked me what I wanted to work on, I said, well, mostly seeing if I have a better handle on my body this week. I'd like to do some figures and really work on steering with my body since I was so incapable of it last week. 

So, she sent me off to do a series of serpentines and circles off of centerline and the quarterline at a working walk. We discovered pretty quickly that the left side of my body was a bit locked up, so I did some stretches in both directions, including twisting left to face behind me and reaching for Tosh's croup with my left hand, and then repeating it on the right. That helped a little. In hindsight, I don't know if part of my issue was having my cellphone in my left pocket. I had taken it with me to the round pen (T likes anyone working a horse out of her sight and/or alone to have a phone on them) and I could have sworn I had put it in my jacket before mounting, but when I dismounted, I was like, oh, damn. Oops. 

I struggled to turn my body a lot at the trot, but after just a couple of laps, she told me to canter. Strangely enough, I had a much better handle on my body at the canter, so we did most of the rest of the lesson at the canter. My only issue is that I felt like Tosh was really zipping around the arena -- it was probably mostly in my head, he has a long stride -- but my attempts to get him to slow down didn't really work, because I got tense about it, which all led to even more tension. T tried to get me to do a 1 loop serpentine from B to X on the right lead. At X, I was to go straight to C. At C, I was to turn left and shift my body to get a change. For the love of Pete. That was SO HARD for me. Like, so hard that I couldn't actually do it. Tosh was a saint and he tried to give me what he thought I wanted, but since I didn't commit to any of it, he was just guessing at what that was.

My issue with that exercise was that I just didn't feel like I had it. I was so stuck in my head overthinking it, and my brain and my body wanted a much slower/more collected canter to complete the change. I needed to just ride the horse I had. He was more than capable of doing it if I had just continued to use my body correctly instead of shutting down and panicking. As for the rest of it, I honestly don't know what my brain malfunction was. Overthinking it all is the theme for the class, clearly. I needed to just shut up and ride! But my brain wasn't having it. I wasn't actually over-faced with the exercise, but T mentioned afterwards that I can always ask her to break things down into pieces when I am spiraling (my word, not hers) like that. I need to keep that in mind. Maybe what we should have done is do the loop from B to X, continue straight to C and halt. Then canter off on the left lead so I could take a breath to change my bend, etc.

I'm still working through why this ride was/is such an issue for me. I feel like it is a lingering mental block linked to having misbehaving lesson horses in cold weather with barns that didn't let students lunge their school horses before riding. I actually really love that T allows AND actually regularly says, you're gonna want to lunge him first. She knows her animals. But more importantly, she knows that they are animals that think, that feel, and that are affected by cold weather! She wants everyone involved to be safe and sometimes that requires reinserting the brain between the ears with little bit of work (and sometimes silliness!) on a lunge line. 

Brilliance

“Passion takes you to the mountain foot; talent takes you to the mountaintop; brilliance takes you to the sky;  genius takes you to the stars.” 

― Matshona Dhliwayo

Every fall, my company brings all of the (associate director and above) leadership together for an annual meeting. I don't yet have enough rank to get an invite to attend, but I am often on the designing end for the meeting materials. 

This year was no exception. As I was working on slides for the meeting, I noticed that one of the workshops was about choosing a word to live by for 2020. Everyone at the meeting was encouraged to print a certificate with their word on it and hang it in their office as a constant reminder. 

When my boss returned from the meeting, she encouraged the creative team to choose our words for 2020, as well. She chose imagine. I am not sure what the rest of the team chose yet, but I started looking for inspiration and quickly found a word that I kept going back to: Brilliance.

Brilliance is often defined as intense brightness of light but the definition that stuck out to me was: exceptional talent or intelligence.

It stuck out to me because I feel like I can make it apply to my career as a manager of creative services and graphic designer, both of which require exceptional talent AND intelligence. I can make it apply to my riding -- how often have you heard someone's riding described as brilliant? Even Charlotte Dujardin has done a clinic that was deemed "Bring on the Brilliance." It seems to refer to dressage, but hell, I think it can apply to any discipline! I can also make it apply to my marriage and other personal relationships. It felt, to me, to be an all encompassing word to focus on for 2020!

Anyway...that's all I have for now. I do have a few lesson updates to get to, but I'm still percolating on them :)

I jumped a thing!

On Sunday, my name was beside Skylar's for my lesson, so I got his tack and set to work making the brown horse palomino again. 

As I was heading to the restroom, I ran into T in the barn aisle. She asked if I wanted to ride outside and try jumping Skylar a little bit, because who knows if there will be any jumping happening over the winter (she only jumps in the outdoor arena, so being able to do it year-round is strictly based on weather). I was surprised, but I said sure!

I sat with her for a bit while she taught the lesson before me, warming my bit up as I waited. When she told me it was ok to bridle, I headed off and then brought Skylar to the indoor to mount up and do my 2-point warm-up before heading down to the outdoor.

Definitely not actual footage

We had a great warm-up, although I had trouble getting off my right seat bone (oh, hello, can't make the horse bend left to save my life)! Skylar was really listening and I remembered (mostly) not to take my leg off of him so he would keep going.

Toward the end of the class, T told me we were going to do a loop left to the blue wave crossrail, and then loop right and do it again toward home, so it would basically be the center point of a figure 8. Sounded easy enough. So, Skylar and I trotted off. 

Now, you have to remember, I haven't jumped more than 2 fences in almost a year. I am pretty sure my last jumping lesson at the old place was about a year ago this week. And the last time I jumped 2 fences was during my evaluation ride with T in February of this year. So, I'm really rusty. Plus I was recovering from a head cold. My last excuse is that I wasn't sure what to expect of Skylar. Since he requires keeping your leg on to keep moving on the flat, I assumed he would require the same thing jumping. Apparently he's pretty much a point and shoot jumper. At least over the little stuff. 

We ended up focusing a lot on maintaining tempo and keeping my eyes up, which also led to reminding me that it isn't my job to jump the fence. It's my job to get there and support. These are things I have always struggled with when jumping. At least  I am consistent!

Guys, I made a lot of mistakes. A.lot. It wasn't pretty. Going away from home was way easier than going toward home. I have no idea why. I would drop my eye or try to jump for him. I'd get him in too deep and then not support -- which, over a tiny crossrail isn't a huge deal and he was just like, ok, whatever, I got you. But, obviously I know if i do that over a bigger fence he is probably eventually going to nope if I do that. Because most horses would and who can blame them?

Anyway. We got a couple of good fences where I kept my eye up, kept my leg on, didn't jump for him, etc and we ended on that note. But you know the most amazing thing? I made all these mistakes but I didn't feel nervous. I didn't feel worried. And more importantly, I felt secure on my horse and I never once felt off balance. You know what that means? All of this is working!

The one where I make a confession

It's taken me a few days to really percolate on Sunday's lesson. I wrote last week about having an epiphany regarding my tension/anxiety after riding Skylar for the first time in months. This past Sunday, I rode Tosh again. I opted to ride in the surcingle. 

Confession: I opted for the surcingle even though my primitive brain said, "It's cold outside and you're going to die without stirrups!"

I'm pretty sure that part of my brain is not this cute, though

Truth: I knew my primitive brain was totally overthinking it. Tosh has never put a foot wrong, even when spooking at an empty pallet that used to have a round bale on it. He even seems to be unexpectedly less cold-backed when I get on.

Anyway. I lunged him for a few minutes and he was pretty lazy despite the chilly temperature. So, as T was wrapping up the lesson before me, I tightened the surcingle 1 last time and stretched his legs again before taking him to the mounting block. He scooted a tiny bit but within half a circle he was walking normally again, so she released us to do our 2 laps of walk around the ring. 

Most of my lesson ended up being centered around this conversation. Because when we came to a stop in front of her and she asked, "What do you want to work on today?" I told her about what I had realized after my ride the week before. She considered it for a moment and then started asking me questions -- this may not be exactly the order of the discussion, but you'll get the idea! T's comments are in purple.

• Do you think you're not good enough or don't deserve to ride a horse like Tosh? Because I know you're good enough to ride him and you appreciate riding him. Those that aren't or don't, don't get to keep riding horses like this.
• No, I know I am capable of it. I know I'm good enough. And I truly enjoy riding both types of horses, but they all have different things to teach me. 
• Do you want the slower/duller "yes man" horse or do you want to push yourself and keep riding the horses that make you feel uncomfortable?
• If I were looking to buy a horse, I might lean more toward the "yes man" but since I am lessoning, I want to keep pushing myself and giving myself the opportunity to make the mistakes I am apparently afraid of making, so that I can figure out how to fix the anxiety it's causing me.
• Why do you think you'd want to buy the "yes man"? I think you'd get bored.
• That's a totally fair question. After thinking on it for a second, I said, you know what, you're right. I owned my mare for 14 years and she wasn't what most people would consider "well broke" but she was well broke for me. She challenged me but still respected me.
• Exactly. Everyone has different needs. Which is good, because if everyone wanted the same type of horse, we'd all be in trouble because there wouldn't be enough horses to go around.
• I think a lot of this anxiety comes from being over-horsed. Being put on a horse that had no business doing the job it was in. He couldn't be trusted to do small cross-rails, for whatever reason, whether it was pain or that he just didn't enjoy his job. So, when he bucked after doing a tiny cross-rail, you naturally asked yourself what YOU did to cause it. And the answer is, you didn't cause it. But your brain doesn't quite get that yet. So, do you feel over-horsed here?
• No, I don't feel like any of the horses you've had me ride have been too much horse for me. I think each has taught me something different or called out a different part of the process we're working on, which is amazing. I don't feel nervous about coming to ride here. But, I did feel nervous going to ride there. I am excited to come here each week. It's not a chore or something I dread doing.
• So, what do you want to get from your lessons? You're good enough to ride anything I put you on. But if you're truly uncomfortable, we can certainly change which horses you are riding.
• I really want to figure out how to get past this feeling. I thought sharing it was important, since I think I found the root cause of the anxiety and you were totally right in saying it was based in a fear of making a mistake. I am not sure how to fix it, other than to continue riding the horse(s) that bring it up, to allow myself to make the mistake so I can learn from it and realize it isn't that big of a deal. He is going to do what I ask him to do. He is going to insist I do it right.
• It's kind of like having a teacher that really pushes you and insists on great work. You work harder for them than you do for the teacher that doesn't really care. Tosh is the teacher that pushes you, he expects great things, and he expects you to do it right. He is going to forgive a mistake you've made, but he is going to be aware that you made the mistake and give you what you asked for, even if it wasn't what you wanted. Skylar doesn't care about the quality of your work, and isn't necessarily going to be aware that you made a mistake. He will give you what you asked for. I think you're a better rider on Tosh.
• That's an interesting way to look at it. I am thinking back to a few weeks ago when I asked Tosh for the right lead and he gave it to me, but then switched left and right again within 3 strides all because my body weight shifted. Whereas Skylar would have given me the right lead and ignored my body weight changes, as long as my leg was on, he would've kept going. (She's nodding along.) Lamborghini vs Chevy. The Lamborghini has more bells and whistles. Nothing wrong with the Chevy, it's a safe car. It's still fun to drive. But the fancier car requires better driving.

After all of this, she asked again, "So, what do you want to work on?" I said, well, ignoring the part of my brain that thinks I'm going to die if I make a mistake. She laughed and told me to go working walk to the left on the box. We did some serpentines and some circles and my body stayed up and back, my shoulders moved around my turns. My hips stayed relaxed, allowing his walk to flow. It felt amazing. When we started trotting, I put 1 hand on a grab so I could focus on staying relaxed. It worked! We did more figures and after a couple of laps at the trot, she said, when you're ready, canter left lead. I put my other hand on the grab and asked. The canter depart was not prompt, we trotted quickly for about 1/4 of a lap before I got organized enough to bump him with again my outside leg. But I didn't tip forward or get left behind, I didn't get anxious and tighten up. I stayed relaxed, and when he did canter off, it was a beautiful, fluid, relaxed 3-beat gait. After a few laps, she had us halt on the quarter line facing C, and she clapped and told me how beautiful that was. She asked how it felt, and I said, it felt really, REALLY good.

We reversed, did some more trotting to the right, then walked and have Tosh a couple of laps to catch his breath. Then she said, don't change a thing. When you're ready, right lead. I took a deep breath, put both hands on the grabs and kissed. It was prompt. It was relaxed. It felt amazing. I heard her exclaim, "BEAUTIFUL!" as we took off. We did a couple of laps. Then we halted in front of her. She clapped more. Asked me how it felt. I said, it felt incredible. She agreed that it had looked incredible. She asked if I wanted to try to the left one more time. At first I said, sure. 

Then I considered it for a moment and said, y'know what, I think this is the best ride I've had and I think I need to let my brain percolate on the fact that the tension wasn't needed to get the job done. I stayed relaxed, I felt great. More importantly, I didn't die like it keeps telling me I'm going to. I want to remember that so I can find it again.

Epiphany

Actual footage of me after my lesson on Sunday

T threw me for a loop on Sunday. She had a horse come up lame, so had to rearrange rides. This meant that she put me on Skylar for the first time in a few months.

It was a mostly uneventful ride with a lot of really, really good moments. My newfound center felt a bit more natural until I started to fatigue, when it felt off-kilter again. The good news is, my brain is coming to terms with it. At first, I struggled a lot to the right -- I couldn't get Skylar to listen to my left leg and I apparently kept dropping my left rein. Once I found my left seat bone (on command!) and kept my left rein, it went a bit smoother!

During my ride, I realized Skylar's narc -- I take my leg off when I'm trying to fix something. So, we were cantering around on the right lead and I felt myself tip to the inside. To fix this, I took my leg off ever so slightly and shifted my weight to the outside. This would have resulted in Tosh or G continuing on like nothing had happened, especially since I had rebalanced myself. But, therein lies the subtle differences in the levels of training of her horses. Tosh and G have been taught to continue going until something changes and/or pressure is added. Skylar, though, requires constant leg or he stops doing what you were asking. Oops. Once I kept my leg on, he kept going.

The big epiphany came on the way home while I was percolating on the lesson as a whole. I realized that I don't feel anxious at all when I know I am about to ask Skylar to canter. But on Tosh, and a little bit on G, I do feel uptight about it. Yet, I am not nervous in the canter itself. I may get flustered in traffic, but the canter itself is just so much fun. There is no anxiety once I'm doing it, and T has mentioned that my body is not screaming anxiety at all. 

I think it's because, while Skylar's response is prompt like all of her horses, his departure is...well, slower, less powerful, maybe a bit steadier? I am not exactly sure how to describe it. Tosh's depart is SO quick, and forceful, SO PROMPT...that I feel like I am going to get left behind or tip forward to compensate. Remember what T has said about me not wanting to make a mistake? If I'm right about this, she's bang on and I'm too far in my head. My anxiety is coming from the fact that I don't want to ride the departure wrong. I don't want to tip forward or back or pull on his face. So I get all worried about doing it right and then, often, make a mistake anyway. Now that I'm aware of it, I need to share the info with T and see if there is a way to get out of my head even more!

Fixing my GPS

I decided to ride in a saddle again this week because I was interested to see if I could get that feeling of whether I was truly centered -- not just my brain telling me I was correct when I was really leaning right -- at all gaits. So, when T asked me what I wanted to work on, that is what I told her.

It was rainy, so there were a lot of horses in the arena -- a couple tied up for patience, a few being hand-walked to cool out, and 1 other being ridden. In my head, I reminded myself to stay calm and breathe in the traffic and just pick a clear path and stick to it (notice I didn't tell myself not to panic!).

We started to the left, on the box, and right away she commented on how good my shoulders were as we circled left a couple of times. This was a trend throughout the lesson, as well as the realization that I tend to drop my eyes to the ears when I go around my corners, which causes me to tip my upper body forward. Once I keep my eyes up, it's a whole lot easier to keep my body up and back. It's also easier for Tosh to keep his body up. Imagine that!

We did a lot of trotting in both directions. Both sides were a bit more even than usual, which surprised me, especially given the much cooler temperatures we've had the last few days. I thought for sure it would take me a while to warm-up and actually have a good ride, but my body sort of settled right into work.

At one point to the right, she had me trot a medium circle at R with my right arm in the air. I kept my left hand (holding both sets of reins) on his neck and tried really hard not to use it (or the reins) to pull him around the circle. Lots of outside leg, and really exaggerating my body to the right. Omg, I actually DID a circle! T told me it was a beautiful circle and asked how it had felt, besides my arm getting tired. I said it felt great and I'm excited because I distinctly remember trying to do that exact thing on Garrette a few months ago and we ended up over at V, instead of in a circle. 

When we cantered, we started to the right (which we don't normally do). We had a beautiful depart in the corner by C, but I thought he had picked up the wrong lead, so I pulled him up. She asked what happened, and I told her it felt like he had the wrong lead. She said he got the correct lead, then switched because I tipped inside, then I fixed my body, so he switched back. All in the course of 3 strides. Whoa, didn't even feel him switch. I gave him a pat, since he had done what I had asked and I totally agree with her mentality of not punishing the horse for giving you what you asked for, even if it's not what you wanted. He doesn't know I made a mistake, so he gave me the right answer. My body was the one who was wrong. 

Anyway, we tried again and I held my brain together enough to be able to maintain my centered seat (see that, brain, it IS centered) for most of our 2 laps around. Then we did a thigh release to halt and Tosh was perfectly square. She had me ask again from the halt on a long rein. Man, Tosh's halt to canter departs are prompt. And I knew I tend to feel like I am being left behind in my effort to not tip forward and anticipate. So, I had grabbed the pommel to try to force my body to stay centered and to not pull back on him but that just resulted in tipping forward anyway. I wasn't thinking that the pommel is positioned so there is really no choice but to tip. Oops. After 1 lap, she had me thigh release and halt in front of her again and then ask for the canter from the halt again. This time, she had me use his martingale to keep my position and hands steady. That worked a lot better! 

You know what else works great? Breathing. The entire time. I really need to get a handle on breathing while I ride!

We tried the canter to the right 1 more time after that and then walked a lap and changed directions. We did the long rein, hold the martingale depart again and it went a lot smoother. I was able to remember to breathe a lot of the time, but still not all the time. T seems to think that my anxiety is coming from holding my breath, particularly at the canter. She may be on to something there.

After a few laps of canter, and a walk break, she asked me to trot in 2-point 1 lap in each direction to end on a stretchy note. So, off we went, and Tosh was like, trotting is BS, we should canter and do the fancy, prancy things. It's funny that when he was trying to canter on his own because it was more fun, I wasn't getting tense or anxious, I was just laughing at him and his enthusiasm. (Like I said, maybe she really is on to something with the not breathing = anxiety.) I ended up letting him go into a nice collected canter to 2-point in each direction and it felt amazing. As T said, at least you can see he's a very happy lesson horse!