I jumped a thing!

On Sunday, my name was beside Skylar's for my lesson, so I got his tack and set to work making the brown horse palomino again. 

As I was heading to the restroom, I ran into T in the barn aisle. She asked if I wanted to ride outside and try jumping Skylar a little bit, because who knows if there will be any jumping happening over the winter (she only jumps in the outdoor arena, so being able to do it year-round is strictly based on weather). I was surprised, but I said sure!

I sat with her for a bit while she taught the lesson before me, warming my bit up as I waited. When she told me it was ok to bridle, I headed off and then brought Skylar to the indoor to mount up and do my 2-point warm-up before heading down to the outdoor.

Definitely not actual footage

We had a great warm-up, although I had trouble getting off my right seat bone (oh, hello, can't make the horse bend left to save my life)! Skylar was really listening and I remembered (mostly) not to take my leg off of him so he would keep going.

Toward the end of the class, T told me we were going to do a loop left to the blue wave crossrail, and then loop right and do it again toward home, so it would basically be the center point of a figure 8. Sounded easy enough. So, Skylar and I trotted off. 

Now, you have to remember, I haven't jumped more than 2 fences in almost a year. I am pretty sure my last jumping lesson at the old place was about a year ago this week. And the last time I jumped 2 fences was during my evaluation ride with T in February of this year. So, I'm really rusty. Plus I was recovering from a head cold. My last excuse is that I wasn't sure what to expect of Skylar. Since he requires keeping your leg on to keep moving on the flat, I assumed he would require the same thing jumping. Apparently he's pretty much a point and shoot jumper. At least over the little stuff. 

We ended up focusing a lot on maintaining tempo and keeping my eyes up, which also led to reminding me that it isn't my job to jump the fence. It's my job to get there and support. These are things I have always struggled with when jumping. At least  I am consistent!

Guys, I made a lot of mistakes. A.lot. It wasn't pretty. Going away from home was way easier than going toward home. I have no idea why. I would drop my eye or try to jump for him. I'd get him in too deep and then not support -- which, over a tiny crossrail isn't a huge deal and he was just like, ok, whatever, I got you. But, obviously I know if i do that over a bigger fence he is probably eventually going to nope if I do that. Because most horses would and who can blame them?

Anyway. We got a couple of good fences where I kept my eye up, kept my leg on, didn't jump for him, etc and we ended on that note. But you know the most amazing thing? I made all these mistakes but I didn't feel nervous. I didn't feel worried. And more importantly, I felt secure on my horse and I never once felt off balance. You know what that means? All of this is working!

The one where I make a confession

It's taken me a few days to really percolate on Sunday's lesson. I wrote last week about having an epiphany regarding my tension/anxiety after riding Skylar for the first time in months. This past Sunday, I rode Tosh again. I opted to ride in the surcingle. 

Confession: I opted for the surcingle even though my primitive brain said, "It's cold outside and you're going to die without stirrups!"

I'm pretty sure that part of my brain is not this cute, though

Truth: I knew my primitive brain was totally overthinking it. Tosh has never put a foot wrong, even when spooking at an empty pallet that used to have a round bale on it. He even seems to be unexpectedly less cold-backed when I get on.

Anyway. I lunged him for a few minutes and he was pretty lazy despite the chilly temperature. So, as T was wrapping up the lesson before me, I tightened the surcingle 1 last time and stretched his legs again before taking him to the mounting block. He scooted a tiny bit but within half a circle he was walking normally again, so she released us to do our 2 laps of walk around the ring. 

Most of my lesson ended up being centered around this conversation. Because when we came to a stop in front of her and she asked, "What do you want to work on today?" I told her about what I had realized after my ride the week before. She considered it for a moment and then started asking me questions -- this may not be exactly the order of the discussion, but you'll get the idea! T's comments are in purple.

• Do you think you're not good enough or don't deserve to ride a horse like Tosh? Because I know you're good enough to ride him and you appreciate riding him. Those that aren't or don't, don't get to keep riding horses like this.
• No, I know I am capable of it. I know I'm good enough. And I truly enjoy riding both types of horses, but they all have different things to teach me. 
• Do you want the slower/duller "yes man" horse or do you want to push yourself and keep riding the horses that make you feel uncomfortable?
• If I were looking to buy a horse, I might lean more toward the "yes man" but since I am lessoning, I want to keep pushing myself and giving myself the opportunity to make the mistakes I am apparently afraid of making, so that I can figure out how to fix the anxiety it's causing me.
• Why do you think you'd want to buy the "yes man"? I think you'd get bored.
• That's a totally fair question. After thinking on it for a second, I said, you know what, you're right. I owned my mare for 14 years and she wasn't what most people would consider "well broke" but she was well broke for me. She challenged me but still respected me.
• Exactly. Everyone has different needs. Which is good, because if everyone wanted the same type of horse, we'd all be in trouble because there wouldn't be enough horses to go around.
• I think a lot of this anxiety comes from being over-horsed. Being put on a horse that had no business doing the job it was in. He couldn't be trusted to do small cross-rails, for whatever reason, whether it was pain or that he just didn't enjoy his job. So, when he bucked after doing a tiny cross-rail, you naturally asked yourself what YOU did to cause it. And the answer is, you didn't cause it. But your brain doesn't quite get that yet. So, do you feel over-horsed here?
• No, I don't feel like any of the horses you've had me ride have been too much horse for me. I think each has taught me something different or called out a different part of the process we're working on, which is amazing. I don't feel nervous about coming to ride here. But, I did feel nervous going to ride there. I am excited to come here each week. It's not a chore or something I dread doing.
• So, what do you want to get from your lessons? You're good enough to ride anything I put you on. But if you're truly uncomfortable, we can certainly change which horses you are riding.
• I really want to figure out how to get past this feeling. I thought sharing it was important, since I think I found the root cause of the anxiety and you were totally right in saying it was based in a fear of making a mistake. I am not sure how to fix it, other than to continue riding the horse(s) that bring it up, to allow myself to make the mistake so I can learn from it and realize it isn't that big of a deal. He is going to do what I ask him to do. He is going to insist I do it right.
• It's kind of like having a teacher that really pushes you and insists on great work. You work harder for them than you do for the teacher that doesn't really care. Tosh is the teacher that pushes you, he expects great things, and he expects you to do it right. He is going to forgive a mistake you've made, but he is going to be aware that you made the mistake and give you what you asked for, even if it wasn't what you wanted. Skylar doesn't care about the quality of your work, and isn't necessarily going to be aware that you made a mistake. He will give you what you asked for. I think you're a better rider on Tosh.
• That's an interesting way to look at it. I am thinking back to a few weeks ago when I asked Tosh for the right lead and he gave it to me, but then switched left and right again within 3 strides all because my body weight shifted. Whereas Skylar would have given me the right lead and ignored my body weight changes, as long as my leg was on, he would've kept going. (She's nodding along.) Lamborghini vs Chevy. The Lamborghini has more bells and whistles. Nothing wrong with the Chevy, it's a safe car. It's still fun to drive. But the fancier car requires better driving.

After all of this, she asked again, "So, what do you want to work on?" I said, well, ignoring the part of my brain that thinks I'm going to die if I make a mistake. She laughed and told me to go working walk to the left on the box. We did some serpentines and some circles and my body stayed up and back, my shoulders moved around my turns. My hips stayed relaxed, allowing his walk to flow. It felt amazing. When we started trotting, I put 1 hand on a grab so I could focus on staying relaxed. It worked! We did more figures and after a couple of laps at the trot, she said, when you're ready, canter left lead. I put my other hand on the grab and asked. The canter depart was not prompt, we trotted quickly for about 1/4 of a lap before I got organized enough to bump him with again my outside leg. But I didn't tip forward or get left behind, I didn't get anxious and tighten up. I stayed relaxed, and when he did canter off, it was a beautiful, fluid, relaxed 3-beat gait. After a few laps, she had us halt on the quarter line facing C, and she clapped and told me how beautiful that was. She asked how it felt, and I said, it felt really, REALLY good.

We reversed, did some more trotting to the right, then walked and have Tosh a couple of laps to catch his breath. Then she said, don't change a thing. When you're ready, right lead. I took a deep breath, put both hands on the grabs and kissed. It was prompt. It was relaxed. It felt amazing. I heard her exclaim, "BEAUTIFUL!" as we took off. We did a couple of laps. Then we halted in front of her. She clapped more. Asked me how it felt. I said, it felt incredible. She agreed that it had looked incredible. She asked if I wanted to try to the left one more time. At first I said, sure. 

Then I considered it for a moment and said, y'know what, I think this is the best ride I've had and I think I need to let my brain percolate on the fact that the tension wasn't needed to get the job done. I stayed relaxed, I felt great. More importantly, I didn't die like it keeps telling me I'm going to. I want to remember that so I can find it again.