WW: Conquering anxiety 1 crossrail at a time

 

WW: Corolla's wild horses

A black stallion and 2 of his mares: 

This was moments before he jumped a 4-ish foot fence from a standstill to chase another stallion off, trying to get to the other stud's mare.

Am I doing this right?

 

During my lesson yesterday, T tried to stretch my left hip for me, because it just was not just moving with the horse. Her stretch helped and felt great until it didn't. After a lap or 2, with better motion, my left hip flexor and IT band felt like they were Charlie horsing. So, when she asked if my hips felt good enough to trot, I was like, uhm, I don't think so...not until this tightness is resolved. 

She had me bring Jo up to her so she could hold her, and told me to turn around on her and breathe. That helped, but I needed more. So, this photo was the precursor to me stretching forward across Jo's rump, an arm on either side of her, while stretching my legs up and back toward her shoulders, and letting my hips, back, and quads stretch passively. After about 5 minutes, something released, because the pain went away and Jo started to sigh, lick and chew, and close her eyes. I slowly sat up and turned myself to face forward before continuing with our class. 

Happy birthday, Cider!

 This goofy, adorkable little girl is 1 today!

Montee (Part 5)

I wasn't able to ride last Tuesday, so I asked to switch to Thursday night's class, which then got stormed out. So, when I arrived on Sunday, T asked if I wanted to ride Jo in class, since I hadn't had a real lesson in over a week. I said sure, and I'd work with Montee on the ground afterwards. 

I stashed his brushes by his stall, said hi to him, and put his saddle in the arena so it was all ready to go when I was. He seemed happy to see me, and a bit butt hurt that I didn't work with him first.

My class with Jo was good, although I had some anxiety crop up for the left canter that I am not really sure where it came from or why it showed up. When she asked if I wanted to redo anything at the end, I said, well, part of me wants to redo that left canter depart and see if we can improve it and another part of me isn't too sure it will be better and maybe we should just call it a day. T, of course, said, if I really wanted to try it again, I could but she wasn't convinced it would be better, either. I considered that and then said, well, I was able to get through the anxiety during the left lead, and that is progress in the right direction, even if I wish it hadn't cropped up at all. So, we opted to end on that note.

Not media from this lesson, but still Jodee!

After cooling Jo out and loading her up with hay for the afternoon, I checked in to make sure it was ok for me to bring Montee out into the indoor. 

He was pretty muddy and is very sensitive about his legs being touched. I have yet to get below the hock on his hind legs without a threat of a kick. 

He will pick up his front feet for picking but is in a rush to get them back on the ground. The 1 time I tried to pick his hind feet, I almost got kicked, so I have not tried that since. It wasn't a malicious kick, just like he isn't willing to give up his ability to get away. He's so defensive of them that I have a feeling someone took his feet away from him (hobbled, tied one up, something) while beating him up. 

So, I have mostly ignored his legs and feet, only really picking the fronts (there are no shoes on the backs for anything to get stuck in), and brushing as far as he'll let me, while I've been trying to gain his trust. 

More Jo spam

I felt like he trusts me reasonably well by this point. I've made some mistakes with him, like accidentally clucking when asking him to back up and then correcting him for it. Oops. I shouldn't have done that because it was my mistake, not his, but I didn't realize what I had done until T called me out on it. But he's been very forgiving of my mistakes because he's not being treated unfairly or being beaten or mishandled.

Since it was outside of my class, I had no real timeline. The session could be as long or as short as it needed to be. So while I groomed him, I worked a bit on his leg threshold. Eventually, I was able to brush all the way down to the coronet on his right front, the fetlock on his left front, and on and around both hocks before he would pick up the foot to move away. Progress, not perfection!

His eyes had softened by the time I got to the hard brush, which is super quick! Once I was satisfied with that work, I put the CA halter on him and brought him into the indoor. I had J check the halter because I was convinced I had not tied it quite right...sure enough, I did it backwards. One of these weeks, I'll get it right and not question myself! But, with his habit of pulling, I really didn't want to have it tied incorrectly and get too tight to remove without cutting it.

The arena was temporarily empty when we arrived, so I took him over to V to start our session. He came out really soft and only pulled very slightly a couple of times. He was a bit stubborn about licking and chewing when I asked him to halt, so he got sent back out a few times, but the softness stayed. 

When he had stopped and licked and chewed in both directions, I brought him over to saddle him. T held him while I worked. I had borrowed the ergnomic girth again, so did all that up and when I dropped the stirrups, he jumped a little, so I smacked the leather against the leather and dropped the iron against his side a few times until I got a big sigh. 

J asked us to go between X and C, so we relocated for our next round of lunging. I sent him off in the opposite direction of how I had started and he immediately started pulling. Asked him to halt, adjusted the saddle back a bit, sent him back out...no pulling. This horse is vocal, if you're listening!

The highlight of this session was tracking right. 

Another horse was coming toward him on the rail and a third was coming up behind him off the rail to pass in between Montee and the other horse. I had a few strides until they crossed his path, so I slowly shortened the lead a bit, expecting his previous reaction, which was to try to get away from traffic. But instead, he completely surprised me. As the horse off the rail approached, he stopped, put an ear on me, and licked and chewed, as if to say, I'm not sure about this, but I trust you to tell me what to do. I praised him like crazy for that HUGE step in the right direction and ended not long after that. 

When I had him stop in the middle, I spent a few minutes rubbing the whip all over his body and letting the end of it dangle over him, around his legs, etc. And then spent a few minutes asking him to soften and yield to pressure on his poll, while also accepting ear scratches! 

When he stopped caring about all of that, I rolled up the stirrups and brought him back over to T to untack him. 

As I was saying goodbye to T a while later, I asked if she had seen how he reacted when Autumn had come trotting up behind him. She hadn't so I told her and I swear she got a little misty-eyed. I said, I'm so proud of him, that is a huge breakthrough! 

Montee (Part 4)

The following Sunday, the indoor was going to be quiet at my 9:45 lesson time, and the outdoor was pretty soggy from some rain, so we worked indoors. 

Montee was pretty quiet in his stall. He seemed happy to see me and his eye (and body) had softened by the time I started to brush him with the soft brush I brought Montee out about around 9:15 to start lunging him. He came out pretty soft, we only had a few instances of him pulling me but I just kept sending him forward and pulling/releasing on the rope and he softened and licked and chewed. 

I was just starting to put the saddle on him when T came back from whatever chores she'd been doing and she sent us over to V to lunge some more. Montee immediately started pulling a lot, especially tracking left. She asked if he had been like that before and I said not really, he was really soft before I put the saddle on, but he always pulls more tracking left (which is backwards from most horses, who are worse on the right because people don't do as much work on the right!). 

She asked if I thought the saddle was too far forward for him, and I said, I'm not sure, maybe. So I stopped him and shifted it back just a little bit. That helped the pulling significantly but it was still there every so often.

When I brought him in to bridle him, she had me go into the boarder's tack room and borrow an ergonomic girth. J checked the saddle fit, deemed it ok, and did up the new girth. I didn't bridle him, so we were only changing 1 thing at a time, and then took him over to P to lunge. He was immediately softer, so we only did a few circles in each direction before coming in to bridle. 

After a few more spins with the bridle on, T had me run the whip all over his body until he licked and chewed. He even cocked his hind foot for a moment! Then she dropped the mounting block by him a few times. No reaction whatsoever. So, I stepped up, stepped down, stepped up, lifted my arms, stepped down, etc. And then I stepped on and gently put my leg over and gathered my stirrup.

We stood for a moment, and then I gently asked him to walk off. He humped his back a little bit but I exhaled, added some leg, and talked to him and he changed his mind. T praised us both for relaxing and commented, I think it's a good thing your mare was a bit fractious when you got on, because you didn't yank on him or get upset, which was just what he needed from you. 

Once again, we only walked, but we had several lovely moments of a really soft contact in the bridle where he stretched into my hand and really stepped under himself, lots of breathing (from both of us!), and he relied less on the safety net of T holding his lead, because he trusted me more and had more confidence in himself and in me.

At the end, T said how proud of me she is and spent awhile rubbing Montee's face while repeatedly saying that this soft-eyed horse is the one she knows is in there and that's the reason he is still at her farm. She said we just have to find him and convince him to stay longer each time. 

Montee (Part 3)

On Sunday, I started out in much the same way I had on Thursday. (If you're interested in learning more about the work I was doing with "thresholds,"  watch this video.) Asking him for small signs of relaxation before proceeding to the next thing. It took far less time to get him to breathe deep and lick and chew! 

J helped me find a saddle that fit him pretty well and T made a suggestion on which bits to bring down, so armed with 3 bridles and a saddle, pad, and 2 girths, I brought all the stuff down to the outdoor arena before my lesson time, and as the class before me was wrapping up, I brought Montee down, too.

We put the Clinton Anderson halter on under his regular halter and then she sent us out to the nearest corner of the arena to start lunging. At first, he was very hard and kept pulling me toward the gate or trying to bulge his outside shoulder to get away. She had me pull and release the rope and gently send him forward with the whip. Eventually, he softened for a few strides at a time and started to lick and chew.

When he had softened more consistently, and mostly stopped pulling toward the gate in both directions, we stopped him and saddled him before sending him back out on the line. This resulted in more pulling and more hardness for several circles in each direction, but again, he eventually softened and licked and chewed, so we brought him in to bridle him and then sent him back out again.

Finally, we brought him in and T stepped into the arena with a small plastic step stool, which she proceeded to drop all around him. He remembered this, and stood still. She had me step up and down on the stool a few times, and then put my foot in the stirrup. He didn't move. So, she had me stand on the stirrup and since he didn't move, she told me to put my leg over, but to not look for the other stirrup, she would put my foot in it so I didn't goose him. 

I opened my outside rein, turned my body, and gently asked him to walk forward with my inside leg and voice. He scooted a little at first, but quickly settled into a really nice walk. 

We walked for a bit in each direction and then called it quits. He stayed reasonably soft throughout and tried really hard to listen to me and T. When he whoa'd, he turned toward her, but always had an ear on me. He stayed soft and relatively relaxed while we were cooling out, too.

Also, T told me that he had started volunteering to come in rather than having to be cornered to be caught, which was HUGE progress and made everyone's lives easier. He's a smart cookie.

We agreed to do the same thing the following Sunday.

Montee (Part 2)

I mentioned when I left that first Tuesday night that I could probably mess with Montee again on Thursday, weather permitting (and if they were able to catch him -- apparently it took 4 people almost an hour to catch him that first day).

She ended up leaving him in because of weather, so on Thursday I went out again specifically to work with him. I had done some research and had decided how I wanted to proceed (at least that first day, whether I kept doing it depended on him!). So I checked in with her to let her know I was going into his stall and had my phone on me, then donned my helmet and vest, and grabbed some brushes. 

I opened his stall door and let him sniff my hand, palm down. He sniffed and I took it away. I did this a few more times, and then inserted half of my body into the stall and continued asking him to sniff and taking my hand away when he did. I reached for his halter and he didn't move away so I scratched him and praised him and stepped away for a moment. 

I continued working like that, asking for even the tiniest bit of relaxation before stepping away for a moment, until I had attached the lead rope to his halter and threaded it through the crosstie ring (so he was "tied" but could get away if he panicked). I left the stall door open enough so I could escape if I needed to.

For about 45 minutes, I worked on pushing the boundaries of his "threshold" for contact on both sides of his body. If I touched him with my hand or a brush, I watched for a blink, a slight turn of the head, an ear twitch in my direction, a slight exhale -- anything that indicated he was thinking maybe this wasn't so bad, and then I would praise him and step away from his space for a moment.

Could almost be actual footage of his face lol

At first, he mostly looked utterly perplexed and worried. I don't think he'd ever been asked what he was comfortable with or had his space/threshold respected. Eventually, his confusion and wariness started to become curiosity. He would turn to look at me like, are you really listening to me? And then...and then he started to breathe! And then he started to lick and chew! Finally, his eyes softened and his body relaxed ever so slightly. 

At T's urging, I ended up bringing him into the arena to walk him around a bit and then she convinced me to lunge him for a few minutes. She helped me get a Clinton Anderson halter on him and we went off to the end of the ring. After that, I helped turn him out and hoped he'd be good the next time they tried to bring him in.

T asked if I wanted to work with him in my Sunday class so she could help me with him, and then I could hack Jo, if I wanted to -- I said sure, that sounded great!

Montee (Part 1)

Montee is a cute, stout little clydesdale cross (T thinks Paso Fino) that came to the farm mid-to-late last year. I only saw him around the farm a few times before he sort of disappeared and I didn't think too much of it, because horses come and go if they don't fit with the lesson program.

Then, several weeks ago, during one of my Sunday private classes, T was asking me what my goals are, what I want to accomplish, why am I determined to push through the anxiety that crops up, when there are easier routes. Do I actually want to jump (which seems to be at least 1 source of anxiety), and if not, that's totally ok, etc -- essentially, she was asking, what my WHY is. Why do I ride? 

I think we've had the conversation before, but she was trying to dig a bit deeper. As she put it, I'm a tough nut to crack and she wanted to check in. 

Long story short, she asked if I thought adding a 3rd ride a week on a horse that required the focus to be on HIM vs constantly working on ME might help. I considered it for a moment and said, I didn't know if it would work, but I was willing to give it a shot.

Then she started to tell me more. 

From the trainer's Facebook page

Montee was coming back from the trainer's soon (she wasn't sure when at that time) and she was looking for someone to kind of be his person and work with him so he could have some consistency. She said he was lovely to ride, but she thought he was mishandled quite a bit on the ground and as a result, he was pretty scared. She said she had been pondering and praying about who she should ask to work with him and every time, she came back to me. 

He came back about 2 weeks after that conversation, wide-eyed and nervous. I didn't have time to work with him that day, so he was turned out and allowed to decompress for several days. The following week, before my group lesson, she mentioned he was in the barn if I wanted to mess with him for a few minutes. I asked if I could borrow someone's brushes and then slowly went into the stall. 

I spent about 15-20 minutes with him, talking to him, slowly brushing him, scratching him. His eyes were huge and worried the entire time. When he finally took a breath, I praised him and left the stall. 

Before class, she asked what I thought of him and I said, it really hurts my heart when a horse is that scared of people, but he seemed like he was smart and wanted to do the right thing, he just wasn't exactly sure what the right thing was.

Truthful Tuesday

I'm taking a page from Stacie's blog today because I have some confessions to make since I've been slacking on the blog!

Confession #1

We got a rescue puppy in December. She was 16 weeks old when she was transported to us from Georgia. We named her Cider (because she is Cider colored) and she is a redbone coonhound/golden retriever mix. She's super sweet and very obedient because I started working with her on day 1, but she's definitely a teenager right now! At 9 months, she weighs in at 52lbs and has been averaging 5-7lbs of growth each month (although in March, she only gained ~2lbs but she filled out quite a bit). My husband hopes she'll top out around 55lbs, but I he's nuts, LOL. I think she may end up closer to 70-75. Guess we'll find out! She probably has about a year left to grow.

Cider on May 5

The girls get along really well. Jazzy really loves having a puppy around, even when she gets sick of them!

It doesn't get much cuter, right?

Confession #2

Jazzy turned 10 on May 5 and I totally bought her a birthday bandana to celebrate in! She rarely acts her age and is just as goofy and fun-loving as ever. The puppy has helped her shed some pounds and put on some more muscle, so she's looking absolutely amazing.

Jazzy in her birthday bandana

Confession #3

I have some new lesson media to share as soon as I get around to writing about them!

Jo and I on May 16

Confession #4

Some of the pictures from the lesson media were pretty cringe-worthy and have hopefully helped me re-find my motivation to eat better, lose some weight (again), and workout regularly again! So much belly and so many chins going on right now. 😭

1 word for this. UGH.

Foal Friday: Charlee

I was actually at the barn the day this little guy arrived, but I did not get to see him being born. 😑😑😑 It was a Thursday night, and 4 of us were scheduled for the 6:30 group lesson. 

When I arrived around 5, I went into the broodmare barn to visit Layla, Ethan and Sophi. I chatted with M a little bit -- she purchased Sophi and the baby from T in August and she was anxiously awaiting the arrival of her new little bundle of joy. I commented that it looked like she would go into labor any minute. Turns out, she was already in the beginning stages!

As I was getting ready for class, I saw T fly down the hill on the golf cart. We got a text a little while later saying class was cancelled and we could hack. I figured Sophi was in labor, but got a little more info from J as I was letting Jo drink. Sophi had fallen as she was walking into her stall from her paddock. She was unwilling or unable to get back up, and M was quite understandably very panicky to see her very strong-willed mare so vulnerable. So T had gone down there to see what was happening and ended up calling the vet. Turns out Sophi was in labor, in addition to the very large baby pushing on a nerve. All of that had made it difficult for her to get back up. 

She was still down in the paddock when I went down to turn Jo out. Jo is quite empathic and didn't want to walk through the barn to get to her pasture. I can only imagine what was happening between her and Sophi, or what she was feeling from all of the people there in those moments.

I peeked in on Sophi just to see how she was doing. There was quite a crowd in her stall and paddock to show support and help, if needed. I really wish I had been able to stay but my husband was at a friend's house and his truck was in the shop, so he was waiting on me to pick him up. I knew it could have been hours or even the next day. It was a sacrifice I would not have made if the timing had been different! Oh well 🙁

Sophi has a lot of fight, though. She foaled between 8:30 and 9 (damnit!) and by some miracle, both mom and baby were ok. M named him Charlee, after her dad, who apparently was also a red head. Charlee is a strawberry roan, half thoroughbred and half belgian brabant. His dad is a beautiful bay roan. You can stalk him here.

First hours in the world

He's a chonky boy, but so handsome!

Giant star!

Foal Friday: Ethan

I feel like I need to jump on the Foal Friday wagon, because we've had 2 new additions at the barn in the last 2 weeks and they are just too cute to not share! The kids were born within 3 days of each other in late April.

T purchased Layla in February or March to keep Sophi company. She is a black percheron/QH cross and she was bred to a friesian stallion. She gave birth first and had a little black colt that they named Ethan. 

Hi, mom!

Checking out the mares in the next pasture

What's that, mom? (Ethan, probably)

All of a sudden, it's April...

And I haven't posted since November. Weird how that happens sometimes! 

Every once in a while, I think, I should post about this lesson, but then I either get busy and forget or I talk myself out of it because while it is exciting to me, and I see the growth that is happening, it is kind of mundane to describe it here.

I'll try to keep the long stories short! 

I have not ridden Tosh since January when we were having a really great surcingle lesson, but when I asked for the left lead canter at E, he decided to take off bucking. Totally out of character for him. And I could hear T being like, Tosh, what the hell or something similar in the background. She was saying whoa and so was I, and he just was not having it. 

Luckily, I was holding onto the grabs when I asked and was able to stick with him. I think if I'd been in a saddle I would have been a goner. We got all the way to B before I was able to turn him to the fence and 1-rein stop him. We turned back around to walk over to face T while I caught my breath and she told me how great I had done sticking with him, keeping my cool, and getting him to stop fairly quickly. Ugh, that half an arena felt like forever!

She asked what I wanted to do from there -- did I want to try the left lead again or do some more trot work and see if we could both settle back down or be done for the day. I initially said let's try the left lead again if there won't be more theatrics, but as soon as we started walking off and I was gathering my reins to have a bit more contact while holding the grabs, he started getting prancy. She said, there will be theatrics, let's do some more trot work. So that's what we did, and he was good for the rest of the class.

Since then, I've been riding Jodee exclusively on Sundays and Tuesdays. I've even ridden her in a surcingle a few times, which was completely out of my comfort zone, but went really well every time. She definitely narcs on things that Tosh ignored, which is helping me get even better.

I'm still working through my anxiety. Most of the time, it's a lot better, but every once in a while, it creeps in to stay. I realized on Sunday, when I had my private lesson outside, and knew we would probably jump, that I am more anxious in my group lesson than I am in my private, even when jumping will be involved. T reminded me just last week that I don't have to jump. If I ever feel like I don't want to that day or at all, it does not bother her and should not bother me. I really do appreciate this sentiment, but I currently think that I do still want to do it. I don't feel outwardly scared at any point, I just feel anxious/nervous before or when I know it's coming. 

Skylar would ignore it because he is less sensitive than Jodee in that respect. Jo does not ignore it, she feeds off of it. But I have gotten to the point where I can tell when her speed walk is her wanting to GO vs me feeling anxious, and then I can take steps to try to lower my heart rate. It's a work in progress. But it's going well.

What else? 

I got my 1st dose of the Pfizer vaccine on 3/22 and my 2nd dose on 4/12 (Promise's birthday!). I had very few side effects from either dose, which was great. After the first one, my arm was a bit tender for about 12 hours, and then a few days later, I was super itchy, almost like I was going to get a cold sore. After the 2nd one, I cleared my schedule and ended up feeling totally fine. I had a slight headache most of the day on Tuesday but that is just as likely to have been a combo of allergies/work/vaccine. 

I took a mental health day on April 5 and went over to Dover to buy a new helmet and try on a safety vest. I really wanted a MIPS helmet to replace my Troxel, which was coming up on 6 years, but I had not tried any of the brands that offer it on before, so I figured it was best to go to the store. I ended up buying a Tipperary with MIPS, and I was shocked that a large helmet fit me. I love that it has the little dial on the back to adjust it because sometimes, I legit think my head is bigger than other days LOL. I then donated my old helmet to the lesson program. I figured if T had said no, I'd cut the straps and throw it out, but it was worth asking before I did that, because there is nothing wrong with it, other than its age! 

I didn't have as much luck with the vest. I tried the largest one they had in the store on, an XL Tipperary, and it did fit, but I definitely needed some more room in it for the girls. And, if we're being honest, my belly at this point. I've fallen off the keto wagon several times and have not been succeeding at keeping the lbs off. I need to get my butt back in gear, but that's for another post!

Anyway, they said they would order the next size up and would call me when it came in so I could come try it on, but I was under no obligation to buy it. I still have not heard from them. I figured I would call them next week or the week after and follow-up if I still had not heard anything. I know it could take a few weeks for them to get it in. 

I don't think a safety vest is going to magically fix my anxiety, but I keep thinking that part of it stems from a desire to not get hurt, so it may help even if it doesn't eliminate it entirely. Worth a shot, right? Also, I am one of like 2 or 3 people at the barn that does not wear one, and it probably is time for me to jump on this particular safety gear wagon.

Even without the vest, I managed to spend over $500 between the helmet, 2 pairs of breeches, and 2 shirts. Sheesh! Worth it though. The helmet feels so light and is much more compact than the old one. I love it so far!