A tentative plan

I've taken the last few days to let my subconscious chew on the current situation. I silently resolved to not panic, not over-stress myself...and have spent some time discussing with my mom, as well as my boyfriend. 


Both encouraged me to try one more injection, when I was hemming and hawing about whether it was worth it. 


My boyfriend thinks the animal communicator is a bunch of crap. I knew he would, but I have spoken with her before, and I know she's not. It's not quite in the budget currently, so I am going to continue to put it off. Maybe when I get my tax return, I will take the money and call her. I'm not sure yet.


Anyway. He openly dislikes the fact that I pay the equivalent of rent in an inexpensive apartment for Promise each month by the time board, shoes, supplements, etc. have been paid for. At the same time, he fully supports my passion, and would never in a million years demand I sell her or anything like that. His issue is not with Promise herself, just the money she costs me each month! It's a fine line, but since his passion is motorcycles, we have a sort of understanding between us. I have my thing, he has his, neither of us is giving it up, nor do we expect the other to. 


With that said, I was surprised when he was throwing ideas at me. He thought I was shooting them down, but in reality, I was still processing the whole thing somewhere in my head, and I wasn't really ready to think outside the box...I was still stuck in the tunnel of the situation. His main thing was that if she's not in any actual pain, wouldn't I rather put her out to pasture somewhere, and maybe see her less often (is that possible?!) than I do now, than euthanize her and not be able to see her at all. 


In the scope of things, for a non-horse person, I found this to be a rather deep thought.


Of course, it was mixed in with things like, you could give her away, or sell her to someone that will just keep her as a pet...etc. No. No. No. I know he had the best of intentions here. Still, I felt like he should have known my reasoning here, but he didn't seem to be clear on it, so I had to explain. I made a commitment to this animal, and she is mine until the day I do actually have to make that decision, whether it is two weeks from now, or another few years down the road. I will not give her away and I will not sell her, I will NOT take the chance that someone who seems perfectly nice will neglect or abuse her. I will NOT take the chance that she will go to an auction and end up in a slaughterhouse. I will NOT put myself through the angst of not knowing where she is going or where she ended up. I WILL take the plunge and euthanize her before I do either of those things. Am I clear? Yes? Good. End of that discussion, please.


On Sunday, I spent some time hanging out with Promise. I groomed and massaged her, rubbed her stifles with liniment. I stuffed her full of mints (as usual), and then put her away just in time for her dinner to arrive. I stood in her stall while she ate...I had brought my sketch pad and some pencils with me, intending to do some drawing. Well, I tried a couple of quick warm-ups things to kind of get my hand back, but it wasn't going well. It's been a while since I've picked up a pencil. And, I'm not much of a realist, so I get annoyed with myself when it doesn't look like a real horse...I still struggle sometimes with my expressionist style. 


Anyway...I was getting a bit warmer when she finished her dinner and came over to investigate why her mommy was standing in the corner not paying any attention to her. She proceeded to stare at me, try to chew on the pad, try to steal the pencil, sniff me from head to toe, rinse and repeat. Cute. Snotty. But cute.


So, I tried to have a conversation with her. I'm sure she answered me, but unfortunately, she didn't do so in a way that I understood. I can't hear her. And she wouldn't give me a yes or no, lol. Not for lack of trying, on my part! 


Well, it turns out she and I have a bit of a language barrier. Are you surprised? I wasn't. So, I had to make a decision. 


I decided I'm going to try one more injection. The vet is scheduled to come out on February 8. I've got my fingers crossed that her body won't break it down as quickly, and maybe we'll get 4 or 6 months out of it, instead. If that's the case, I will try another, and hope for the same thing. If I get 2 months again, I will look deeper into pasture board options either in Ocala or down in Manatee county. And, if that's what happens, and I haven't done it by then, I will speak with the communicator to make sure she's not in pain, she's happy, etc. and then make a decision from there. 


In the mean time, I'm going to do my best to enjoy her company as much as I can, and since the holidays are over, I should be able to ride pretty much every weekend, except the one per month that I am in Tallahassee....assuming this injection works as well as the first.

Heart broken.

Welp. It's true. She's lame. Again.

She is happy as can be, was nuzzling my hair and being a general snot on the cross ties. I spent a while brushing her, and untangling her tail (man, I don't know WHAT she is doing to it, but it's been a rat's nest lately) then put her snazzy new boots on and spent some time making sure they were tight enough, wrapped her front legs, and off we went to the arena on a lunge line.

She looks great at the walk. Not so much at the trot. We're back to the gimpy, hip-hiking gait with no head-bobbing. Same on a straight away when I asked her to trot a few steps beside me before we headed back. Hard to see the full extent when you're beside them, but I could see the hip hiking clearly, so I brought her back in...unwrapped her legs, stuffed her full of mints, hugged her and put her back outside with her boyfriend.

I kept my cool there, there were lots of people around for the pony rides...even managed to hold  it together when the barn owner offered me a sympathetic hug. I then proceeded to lose it in the car on the way home. I'm at a loss here.

It's been a week...or two.

Warning: rant.


Last week, I had an appointment with an eye specialist. My regular eye doctor had been bugging me to go see him because my optic nerve appears blurry. I finally gave in. I waited for 2.5 hours to be told everything BUT the fact that he clearly thought I was fat and that was what was causing the problem (one of his first questions was my height and weight). He was a jerk.


Am I fat? Technically, yes. The number on the scale is higher than I thought it would ever be. I wear it well, and most people don't know. But it can't stay this way. I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. I want my clothes to be too big. I want to feel skinny and sexy again. I want to be healthier and stronger.


One of my resolutions was to lose 5 lbs per month for the next 8-10 months. I know I can surpass this pretty easily, but I wanted to keep it completely attainable so I wouldn't get discouraged. It is January 21, and in the last 18 days, I have lost 5 lbs. I am already ahead of schedule! I have been working out and doing cardio (the goal is 3 times a week, I've done two this week, plus tomorrow), and doing yoga 1 or 2 times a week (tonight). I have been eating better, and less, and keeping a food journal.


One of my other resolutions was to stop avoiding health issues because I was too lazy to make the appointment. Hence the specialist. And, the fact that I'm getting a second opinion in a couple of weeks (soonest appointment was February 8).


See, he told me I needed an MRI and a spinal tap, and probably a medication that would reduce the optic nerve swelling while I lose the weight. I scheduled the MRI, but when I filled out the paperwork, I saw that they won't bill for deductible/co-pay. I called to verify. They wanted $658 at the time of my appointment. Sorry, please cancel my appointment, I can't do that. The fantastic person on the other end hung up on me. BEYOND ignorant and rude. I won't be going there for anything. (I'm bitter, can you tell?)


Anyway. I'm going to hold off on the MRI until I see the second guy. I need to call and cancel my follow up with the first guy, which is two days later. I've been doing some reading (I'm sure he'll love that, not.) and I think it actually might be weight AND sinus related. I am pretty confident I don't have a brain tumor. But I DO have sinus problems, nearly year round, which can cause swelling, etc. So, we'll see what he says.




In other news. I got an email from the barn owner last night before I headed to the gym for my fitness evaluation. She said Promise was moving pretty slow and was gimpy. Insert any colorful word you can think of here. She asked if it might be time for another injection. I REALLY hope not. Because it has been exactly 2 months and 3 days.


I'm trying not to freak myself out. It could be the wacky weather we're having...cold, then warm, then rainy, then cold, then rainy, then warm, then cold. Ad nauseam. I think it's safe to say she has some arthritis in that joint, she also has arthritis in her hocks. I'm praying it's the weather.


I can't get there until tomorrow morning...and I actually CAN get there now, since I have no MRI appointment. So, I will go out and see how she looks, and if she works out of it at all.


If she doesn't, or looks really bad again...I don't know what to do. I am not financially able to pay $200 every 2 months for these injections. I really wish I could, but I just don't make enough money right now. Where do I draw the line on her quality of life? And my wallet?


Welcome back to square one.

I need to practice!

The boots fit reasonably well. I think they might be a hair too big...or it could just be that I will need practice putting them on and getting them tight enough. Because they did slip down when she was running around like an idiot in the arena. I guess I didn't realize how much overlap there would be. But seeing them on her, I think a medium would be too small. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure they wouldn't take them back anyway, because they are covered in sand after just one wear. Nice, huh? lol

Oh well. I am going to have to get the hang of putting them on and see how it goes.

It was dusk and I was making myself dizzy and nauseous when she was on the lunge line...it's pretty psychadelic watching her go around with the shadows on her legs, and the darkness of her fur, and the shadows on the sand...I thought someone had slipped me some mushrooms or something. But, she looks fantastic. A little stiff starting out on the lunge, but even with the cold, better than the last time I was there. She bucked a little too! And, even though I didn't want her running around like a maniac when I let her loose, it was really nice to see that she is feeling well enough to gallop around, and flag her tail and snort and just be a general loony-toon. I'm glad she's feeling so full of herself.

I didn't take pictures because it was too dark by the time I got there. I didn't ride because, well...it was cold and I didn't want to...and, she was a NUT. It's probably for the best I didn't try to ride her.

But, to end on a positive note, next weekend, I'll be able to get back in the saddle. AND, I have already lost 2 lbs from starting my New Year's resolution! :)

ETA: She pulled a shoe...that was put on the week of Christmas. The foot looks perfect, no trauma from the nails or anything. She was completely sound on it. I talked to the barn owner...I started pondering...I talked to the farrier. We're gonna try her barefoot effective next month. So, instead of $65 every other month (because she gets done every 8 weeks with 2 shoes, because her feet don't grow overly fast), it will be $30 every month for barefoot. So, I will save $5 every other month...or $30 a year. Not much, but I am curious as to whether he can maintain her barefoot. Previously, she would tear up the front hooves so badly she couldn't do anything. So, I've been hesitant to try again. But...I'm trying to cut wherever I can, and save wherever I can. And, if he can do it, and she is ok with it, I think it will be worth it to all of us.

They're here!

Promise's boots arrived yesterday via FedEx. I am so excited to try them that I have decided to postpone tonight's P90X workout until tomorrow, so I can go to the barn tonight, instead of tomorrow. They're a little more red than burgundy to me, but I think she'll like them just fine.

My only concern, looking at the one I pulled out of the package is that they might actually be too big. I had a set of splint boots years ago that I got at a tack sale or yard sale or something...and they were a medium. The fronts fit, but the backs were too small. So, I got her the large in these boots. Maybe it's because I haven't had "boots" for her hind legs in so long. I guess I'll find out tonight!

I didn't bring my camera, but I will try to remember to take a photo or two with my phone. :)

Boots!

Well, she won't be wearing purple Classic Equine Legacy hind boots. But that's ok...because I got a pretty good deal. $39.99 closeout at Dover. Only thing I don't like is they have NO free shipping coupons out there. I spent a good 30 minutes looking. But, even with their shipping fee, I am still paying considerably less than the $62.95 plus shipping I was looking at having to pay. Plus, I had to return 2 things from Christmas so, more than half of them are paid for by that. :)

And...Miss P will be fine with burgundy. It'll look just as nice! It just won't match her front polos. Shh. Don't tell her!