A week later

Thank you all for the support and kind words. It's been really incredibly weird. A big part of me, although sad and sort of...well, empty, is also very, very relieved. 


Relieved that I don't have the rather constant worry (is she doing ok? is she in pain? is she happy and at least comfortable?) and doubt (am I making the right choice for her? am I making the right choice for me? can I afford this in the near/distant future? can I afford this now? what else can I try? does she still want to try? do I still want to try?) and let's be honest, the guilt/excuses (I want to spend more time with her, but gas money is tight; work is crazy, I want to go flop on the couch when I leave here; and what the heck are we going to do after I finish grooming and cuddling her anyway? stare at each other? can I handle it if I get there and she's worse than she was a few days ago?) hanging over me.


Despite my sadness at losing such a big part of my life, and a bond I will never be able to achieve again in quite the same way...I know she's in a better place, galloping and playing gleefully, just as she should. 

I hope the feeling of acceptance and understanding I got from her was legit. She seemed very much at peace during the freak rain storm that delayed the event, and was once again, cuddlier and sweeter than usual. Even her boyfriend, Ruler (shown below with her last Wednesday afternoon), did not call after her (like he always did, even when he could see her) when we led her to a secluded place or even after I returned to the barn without her.

As I expected, the vet gave me the choice of being with her the entire time, or leaving before he gave the final dose. I knew what my preference was likely to be, but didn't make a decision until he presented the options. I decided I did not want to see her go down...I didn't want that image burned in my memory. So, I spent a few more moments with her, cut her tail, and then led her to the spot and stayed with her until he said the sedative was working and it was time. Then I promptly returned to the barn and tried really hard not to look back. 

The barn owner said she went peacefully. 

Since then, I have managed to actually get some sleep...hooray. I'm slightly more functional at work. And, I have been posting a photo of her each day on Facebook. I have also washed everything in my tack box, vacuumed and cleaned the box, etc. and rewrapped all the wraps, and reorganized it. 

I have a couple of really lovely keepsake pieces picked out, and will be contacting the very creative people in the next couple of weeks to make sure they still make them, and see what the process is for sending the hair their way. I will share pictures once the pieces are made.

I also received a lovely, hand-written sympathy card from SmartPak after I cancelled her next order, which was a complete surprise. I always knew they were amazing, but that just solidified it even more. Companies (heck, a lot of people) just don't do that type of thing anymore.

Otherwise, well, life continues on whether you keep up or not. I have no choice but to keep up. I rode a horse for my boyfriend last weekend, which, of course, is hugely therapeutic. I am looking forward to riding again this weekend.

My long term goal is to pay off some things in the coming months and then look into taking lessons again. I need to figure out if the desire to ride is still as strong as it used to be, or if I'm truly happy with the once-in-awhile thing that I have become accustomed to over the last few years...and without pushing myself and making the effort, I won't have a clear answer. 

Once I determine whether I actually want to ride consistently, and if I do, get back to an acceptable level of riding fitness, I might consider finding a horse to half lease for awhile. That way, I have a horse that is "mine" but don't have quite the same level of responsibility as a true owner. 

Who knows, maybe I am crazy enough to want to buy another horse in a year or two. Before I make that decision, though, I really do need to find out where my passion is now. 

Do I have the energy and ambition to go ride a horse several times a week? Do I still want to compete? Do I still have the guts to jump? Do I just want a trail horse that can take me over the occasional jump course? Do my Olympic dreams still burn in there somewhere?