Getting it done -- and doing it well!

My lessons have been going really well lately -- although they have not been without a small-to-medium helping of anxiety occasionally. I think it might always be a work in progress for me, but I'm developing the tools to deal with it, so that's good! I've mostly continued the trend of my lease ride on Tosh on Sundays and riding Jodee on Tuesdays. 

I did miss 1 Sunday ride because we joined a friend and his wife at their beach house over Halloween weekend. It was really nice to see 4 different walls for a few days. The friends are great company, and love Jazzy, so she got to go, too. Plus, the beach was pretty empty, so we felt really safe being there.

She wore her Halloween bandana most of the weekend

We got back early on Sunday afternoon, feeling pretty refreshed. I rode Tuesday night and as we did a 2-point trot to warm-up, T said I was looking really straight and balanced. I said, funny, it feels like I'm leaning hard left. She said, that's because you're actually using your left side and your body has no idea what to do with itself. Well, alrighty then LOL

When it came time to canter, I guess my heart rate increased because all of a sudden, Jodee was walking as fast as she could. This horse, I swear. I think she can actually read my mind even when I don't know wtf is going on it my own head, lol. I tried taking deep breaths, half halting, etc. I eventually halted at C, closed my eyes, and took some deep breaths. It sort of worked. Then T told me to canter from there, so I grabbed some mane in my outside hand and kissed, and off we went. It took a few laps and a few circles for me to remember to breathe again...because breathing is hard. 

Then we switched directions and I was able to keep my heart rate a bit slower. When T told me canter, I kept my reins long, grabbed mane with my outside hand and asked. What a difference in her gait. I almost had to kick her on several times. 

Beautiful sunrise beneath storm clouds

This past Sunday, I rode Tosh in a saddle for the first time since I rode him on a Tuesday night several weeks ago. T asked if I wanted to ride inside or out and I opted for outside. When she asked what I wanted to work on, I said straightness, breathing, and dealing with anxiety if it crops up. She asked why I thought it might crop up that day and I said, well, I don't know if any of it is due to this arena or just the baggage I have from jumping. She said, well, I usually don't see a lot of anxiety in you until you know it's time to jump, and you know you're not jumping today, so it should be a non-issue. 

It mostly was a non-issue. Tosh was his usual good boy self, and even saved my butt a couple of times when I missed a turn or started overthinking. Like when T told me to turn up quarter line heading away from her and I turned too late and badly with my upper body, and Tosh slowed down because he wasn't sure wtf I actually wanted from him. By that point, we were a couple of strides away from the oxer on the outside line and gently he dodged left back to the rail like, nope, we're not doing that, lady. It was really sweet and I found myself chuckling at him as we came around to try the turn again. 

I got to fly my kite for the first time in ages!

Yesterday, I was assigned to Jodee again. Jodee was fidgeting and my stomach was doing flippity flops for some reason, so I spent most of the time I was grooming her also talking to the anxiety. I looked at my watch and my heart rate was in the 120s. Good grief. So I took some deep breaths and kept talking, and got it down to the upper 90s. Jodee took a breath then, too, and stood still. Point taken, horse.

Side note, but if you've watched the move Inside Out, you'll get it when I say that I try picture my
anxiety like the little purple Fear guy. It does help a little to put a (rather cute) face on it!

By the time I was walking down to the arena with Jo, I was feeling a little less like I had a knot in my belly. When T asked what we all wanted to work on, we all pretty much said some semblance of having a nice, quiet, relaxing ride, and I added, "with a huge helping of breathing on the side!"

I spent the majority of the lesson really focusing on my yoga breathing -- a deep inhale through the nose, and a full exhale through the mouth -- at all gaits. I also glanced at my watch occasionally to check on my heart rate. When we were walking, it stayed in the low-mid 90s. As a result, her walk stayed at a very reasonable rate and her breathing stayed calm, too.

When it was time to canter, we all chose to go right first. J because it's her worse direction, K because it's her horse's worse direction, and me because that is the direction I tend to have the most anxiety about (I think it has to do with all the leaning to the right I do, I'm still exploring that).

Beach dog enjoying our last morning on the sand

I kept reins fairly loose as I asked and gathered them once we were cantering. I stuck with her and didn't feel like I needed to grab a little mane to not get left behind, which was nice. I also immediately took a deep breath! Yay, me! The left was even better.

Then, it was doomsday jumping time. T was in the middle of saying, "So, who wants to jump first" when I shot my hand up in the air, somehow jumping in front of J who was saying she wanted to go first. I was like, sorry, J, I want to get it over with before I get stuck in my own head. She laughed and said, you're gonna do great. 

The east coast is so beautiful

Guys, I think it might have been my best course ever. I'm not sure, it might have been the best course ever, ever, not just at this barn ever. 

Basically, I let Jodee trot before I could even think about it or before my heart could start racing, and then I just took a few deep breaths here and there (seriously have got to breathe more!) and we totally got it done. I (mostly) unintentionally brought Jodee back to a trot in the longer approaches, but I asked her to canter over the first fence in a line or just before it and she did it every time, so I'm clearly getting at least a little more confident and less like "Oh shit" about all of this. I even did the full outside line (to the oxer that Tosh and I had dodged on Sunday) for the first time! 

I jumped ahead once, looked at the base of a jump at least once, but overall, it was a damn near perfect course. And it felt absolutely incredible! I exited the arena with a big, stupid grin on my face even as I was huffing and puffing from not breathing enough!