Stepping outside of my comfort zone

Yesterday, T texted around 8:15 to ask if she could call me. I said yup, and my phone rang a few seconds later. She said, so Tosh threw both front shoes. Do you want to ride Skylar or Jodee? I immediately said, let's go with Jodee.

When I finished grooming and doing my chores, I went to the arena to watch a little bit of the class before mine. T asked if I wanted to ride inside or out. I said, uhmmm, let's do inside. She asked why and I said I was trying to lessen the anxiety in my head. She said, well, how will you ever be less anxious out there if you don't ride out there. Ok, that's a totally fair question. Absolutely fair. And valid. 😐

So, when I brought Jodee in to warm-up, T asked again. We can go outside, I squeaked. She said, you don't have to. I said, let's go outside, a little more firmly. After I did my 2 laps of 2-point in the indoor, we headed down the hill to the outdoor.

On the way there, I felt my anxiety creep up. I took a page from Brain Training for Riders and said out loud, I see you're here again and I know why, but I don't need you today. Jodee and I have got this. Then I took a deep breath and tried to clear my head of all chatter.

Look, media! And a fancy trot on a loose rein rather than a fancy trot on a death grip rein 😀

T asked what I wanted to work on, so I explained a little bit about the book and some of the things I am learning from it. I said, one of the things that really stuck out was not striving for "relaxation" because you can't really be relaxed and ride effectively, so instead, you should strive for "focused calm." Then I told her about telling my Lizard Brain it's not needed today as Jodee and I had walked down the hill. I said, it sounds and feels a bit silly, but I'm hoping it works. She said, it's not silly, especially if it works.

She sent us off to the right in a 2-point trot to warm-up. I grabbed mane to help me get my legs and body correct and off we went. I breathed deeply pretty often and kept my body soft, but focused on riding every stride. Sure enough, Jodee's rhythm stayed the same, but her pace slowed. I didn't know this mare could go that slow and it felt great. 

We changed directions a couple of times and I was able to keep it together pretty well. I could feel myself leaning as we came around the scary tires jump to turn onto quarterline, fixed it, and she immediately turned where I looked. 

Then we started cantering. To the right first. I lost my left stirrup almost immediately and couldn't get it back, so brought her back to the walk to gather it and tried again. Seeing the videos is eye-opening because she feels SO freaking quick at the canter but clearly I can see that she's not at all quick. I was totally holding mane and counting strides until I got into the tempo and then it just felt forward and ground-covering, but not fast. Progress.

Excuse the RBFF (riding breathing focused face) throughout these videos. I have never looked like I'm enjoying myself when I ride LOL. And in the next one, I'm not actually about to vomit. I'm internally telling my Lizard Brain it's not needed because we were fine and trying to breathe and not to look down!
 

Carefully selected screen grab LOL

All in all, it was a great class. I made mistakes but I know why and I felt most them, which is HUGE. I was able to mostly keep my Rational Brain firmly inserted in my helmet and only had to chat with the Lizard Brain a couple of times. Y'know what, Lizard Brain? We didn't die. Even when I looked at the base of every single jump and poor Jodee hit her knees several times. 

Also helpful for my brain and confidence was taking a page from Amanda's "What is 'real'?" book. I have been careful not to minimize how huge all of this was for me at this point in my riding and even more careful to not compare it to other times when I did more and felt more confident doing it. That stuff doesn't matter because this is where I am at right now. 

And where I'm at right now is this: I have confidence issues and anxiety about certain feelings I get from the horse beneath me under saddle and over fences. I don't want to feel like I am out of control (RE: like I can't control my horse). T reminded me that if I can control my own body, and ride every stride, I can therefore control my horse's body, and will be ready for whatever might be thrown at me and then the issue is naturally mostly resolved. Funny, because the book says essentially the same thing 🤔

Anyway. What really matters is that I voluntarily (with a small kick from someone I trust that also believes in me) stepped outside of my comfort zone yesterday. And, I succeeded. AND, I had a great ride!