Happy New Year

Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. 
- Helen Keller 

2012 has been a roller coaster of a year for me, and I have spent a good bit of time reminding myself of my belief that "everything happens for a reason, just believe." 

The insanity began last December, with an intense 3 hour interview on a Tuesday, followed by a job offer 2 days later, giving notice the following Monday and my grandmother passing away the next day -- all culminating just 12 days before Christmas. 

Suddenly I found my favorite time of year was even crazier as the incredibly exciting possibilities that came with starting the new year at a new job and the reality of this huge loss started to sink in.

True to form, it didn't settle down much after that. After taking the week between Christmas and New Year's off to renew and process the grief I wasn't really able to deal with during my notice period at the old job, I threw myself into my new job wholeheartedly, with a passion and excitement I was thrilled to  be feeling again. 

At the end of January, I ended my 5 year relationship; it had been a long time coming. I simply had had enough of being the only one participating and trying to make it work and, as a result, told him very unceremoniously exactly where to go and how to get there. O:) In the following months, I have never once regretted it, felt sad or missed him or the drama that had become the norm. Definitely the right choice and the right time.

In February, I met an amazing man, who happened to be a horse trainer with a deep passion for horses. He believes that giving a horse "the right start" in life, can make them much more successful and valuable equine citizens. And, he's damn good at achieving that. This year was a challenge for him, as well, but to his great surprise, I stood by him through it all and even built a website for his business, complete with photos and videos, that show what he can do and how he does it. I also designed new business cards, a car magnet for his truck and a baseball cap with his business name and tagline on it. 

The cowboy and one of his projects

The rest of the spring flew by in a whirlwind as I enjoyed spending time with this cowboy, with the added bonus of getting saddle time, even though it wasn't Promise. And of course, I continued to agonize over Promise, because I couldn't come up with a brilliant solution to getting her sound. 

The cowboy, teaching a 3 year old to bow

In early summer, she started to drop weight rapidly and became even less sound, with no outwardly obvious reasons. I mostly left her alone to be a horse and in what I thought were good hands, as they had always taken perfect care of her. In June, after a few weeks without visiting, I was shocked and angry -- with myself, with the barn and its management, and with the world for yet another stroke of bad luck -- to find my beloved mare looking emaciated and withdrawn. She was miserable -- and I was FUMING. If I'd had access to a truck and trailer I would have moved her *somewhere* that day. Instead, I challenged the barn owner about the horse's condition and demanded that we find a solution to rectify the situation as soon as possible. Like, yesterday.

A week or so later, on a Friday afternoon, I went out to pick up lunch for me and a coworker and came back to a car that wouldn't start. Great. I had to call her to come get me and our lunches and leave the car there. I tried jumping it, a new battery, a different key fob, you name it. I finally had it towed to the dealer where it took them more than 8 hours to diagnose the issue as being a dead computer. $700 and change later -- the week before the first vacation I'd been able to schedule in two years. I no longer had any spending money for vacation because I had emptied out my savings account paying for the car. And although my horse was very slowly gaining weight, I was panicked about leaving her for a week...it was shaping up to be a terrible vacation!

It wasn't terrible, despite the worry hanging over me and despite the attempts by my ex to contact me (I suppose he had no way of knowing I was on vacation). I once again told him where to go, lol...and I crossed something off my bucket list: capture a lightning bolt on camera. 

I returned to Florida to find Promise looking a little less ribby and a little more lively. Unfortunately, it didn't last. Although still gaining weight, she just had this dull, uninterested look. I gave her a few days to snap out of it, even though I couldn't stand the sight of her being unable to kick at flies or comfortably stretch out to pee -- two of the most basic creature comforts for a horse. The dullness only got worse and I knew that there was no longer enough quality of life; she was making it pretty plain she was ready to give up. Calling the vet to make that final appointment was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and even when she rallied two days before he was supposed to come out, I knew I was making the right decision for her. On July 11, I said goodbye to my friend and "heart horse." 

Promise and her boyfriend Ruler, on July 11

Slowly, I accepted the loss of Promise. I felt more at peace with it and started to deal with the guilt I felt at being relieved of the burden. The rest of the summer flew by. Although, I can say I have seen more rainbows since just before I lost Promise, than I can ever remember seeing in my life. Maybe I'm cheesy, but I think it's a sign. :)

In October, I went on a weekend cruise with my mom and my best friend to Cozumel. We had a great time, despite rocking and rolling through Gulf waters that were most definitely affected by Hurricane Sandy in the Atlantic! Two vacations in one year is more than I've ever experienced before!

Hammocks overlooking the Gulf of Mexico, in Cozumel

In November, due to a series of unfortunate events, including a lack of horses in for training, it looked like my cowboy was going to be returning to Texas to rebuild his business. This resulted in a long discussion of where that left us, if/when he did return to Texas - a discussion that did not go as I had anticipated. I've been getting mixed messages ever since, so I keep telling myself whatever is meant to be will be (read: everything happens for a reason).

The holidays this year were hard. Last year, at Thanksgiving, my grandmother was still with us, although she was very sick. This year was the first Turkey Day without her and the first Christmas where her loss felt real. Last year, we were still processing as it hadn't even been two weeks.

Despite all of the ups and downs, I find myself inexplicably happy with life. 

I love my new job and all of the people I work with and will celebrate my 1 year anniversary with the company on Thursday. 

My best friend (left) and I as the cruise ship left port

I also have my family, my friends and my health -- although I have re-resolved that the weight I've (re)packed on is coming OFF...since my stress level is much less now and I'm genuinely tired of being fat! And, although the man I love now is behaving a little strangely at times lately, I know that I want him in my life in whatever capacity I can have -- and have resolved to let him figure out what it is he wants and take it in stride...because I can't control it.

So, if nothing else, I am thankful for all that I have and for all that I have learned this year about life, about myself, about the world. This year has helped me mature emotionally, has increased my inherent ability to step back from a situation and look at it objectively, to let go of things I cannot control (especially other people and their actions) and has shown me that even in the midst of bad or undesirable stuff, there is still amazing, wonderful stuff happening. 

I hope everyone has a safe, happy and healthy new year, whether you look at 2013 as a fresh start or just another year.